All kids - no matter their age - want and need their parents to
protect and care for them. And all parents want to be able to tell
their kids that mommy and daddy will always be close by.
But when a parent is deployed to war, that comforting balance is
disrupted. Some parents have to leave their families for long
stretches of time. Some will be in harm's way. And despite the
pride our men and women in the armed services feel in serving their
country - and the knowledge that they are well trained to do so -
military families can't help but worry how their kids will
manage in a parent's absence.
How kids handle separation and what they need from the adults
who care for them while a parent is away will vary somewhat. But
all kids do react in some ways, and the adults around them need to
be prepared. Parents can help smooth the transition before and
after deployment, and foster the resiliency kids need to cope well
in between.
Before Deployment
There's no easy way to tell a child that a parent has to go
away. Yet once a deployment date is set, it's important to give
kids some advance notice, especially if a parent's deployment
will involve big changes like a move or a new primary
caregiver.
Here are some tips to consider:
Be honest.
The words you use are important and can mean different things
depending on a child's age and maturity, so give kids the truth
in terms they can understand. For example, for young children, the
concept of a long separation is a lot harder to grasp than the fact
that mommy won't be there to take them to school in the
mornings or that daddy won't be back until after Christmas.
They often do better with visual reminders, such as a calendar with
dates checked off to mark the passage of time. Older kids, on the
other hand, especially those who watch the news, may react with a
greater sense of worry and fear. Reassure them that people in the
military are trained to do their jobs and every effort will be made
to ensure safety.
Let kids know that they will be taken care of.
Children need to feel protected in a parent's absence, so tell
them who will be taking care of them during the time away. Young
children, especially, may have questions about their daily routine.
Be patient if they ask the same questions over and over - repeated
reassurances will help them feel more secure. Asking the questions
over and over simply means that the child has not fully absorbed
and accepted the information on emotional and intellectual
levels.
Make a plan to stay connected.
Let kids know that goodbyes are hard for everyone - even grown-ups.
Remind them that they'll be thought of and loved while the
parent is away, and talk about the people who will be there to help
them feel better when they're feeling sad. Invite your child to
come up with ideas to stay connected - from sending emails to
promising to think about each other at the same time every day.
Try not to overburden.
Kids are very attuned to the feelings of their parents, so be aware
of any tension and anxiety they might be picking up on at home.
Also, avoid instructing your child to be the man or woman of the
house while one parent is away. Kids need to be kids, even in tough
times, so instead tell them to do the very best they can even
though it might be hard.
Spend extra time together.
In the days and weeks prior to departure, many military parents
feel pressure to get the house in order by tackling their
overloaded to-do lists. Though fixing leaky faucets and taking the
car for a tune-up are certainly important, remember that it's
just as necessary to work in plenty of one-on-one time with each
child. The photos, videos, and special mementos of these times are
what your family will hold on to until everyone is together
again.
During Deployment
When a parent finally leaves, family life does change and it can
take a little while for things to fall back into place. Children
are particularly vulnerable at this time, but parents and
caregivers can help them through it.
Here are some ideas:
Keep a routine.
Help offset feelings of uncertainty by keeping life at home as
predictable as possible. In the face of big changes, even small
things that stay the same - like a simple bedtime routine or a fun
Saturday morning ritual - can be extremely reassuring.
Keep the absent parent a part of children's
lives.
Whether it's looking at pictures and videos, saying a special
prayer, counting down days on a calendar, finding where mommy or
daddy is on a map, making a scrapbook, or organizing an activity
your loved one would like, encourage your kids to find creative
ways to stay connected to the parent who's away.
Talk often and listen well.
Even the most attentive kids can misinterpret information, so ask
your children what they've heard and then help them correct
misconceptions and put things in perspective. Talk to them about
the things that upset them and let them know it's OK to feel
worried sometimes. Simply listening - and letting your kids know
that you understand - is tremendously comforting. Encourage older
kids to keep a journal to help work through their feelings.
Get support.
A parent's departure is not only unsettling for the kids, but
also overwhelming for the partner who must absorb all the extra
duties. The armed forces have many programs to help families get
through the difficult times. Take advantage of them, as well as any
offers of support from relatives, friends, or other military
families who know what you're going through - especially if
you're feeling depleted and are finding it hard to supply the
positive interaction your kids need.
Returning Home
When it's time for the homecoming - that joyous day
you've all been waiting for - you expect the hugs, excitement,
and happy tears. But the period of adjustment that often follows
can catch many families by surprise. Though some returning
servicemen and -women do slip back easily into the rhythm of home
life, most families need a little time to find their balance.
Here are some ideas for making the transition easier:
Communicate.
A lot can change when one partner has been away: not only are the
kids older, perhaps with new interests and routines, but the
remaining parent may also be more self-reliant. It's no wonder
that many returning parents have a hard time figuring out where
they fit into the plan. As with any transition, open, honest
communication is key to re-establishing a routine that works for
everyone.
Give it time.
Forget any expectations about how quickly things need to go back to
"normal." Just because it takes your family some time to
readjust doesn't mean you love each other any less or that you
won't get back to where you were before - or even someplace
better. Be patient as you get to know each other again, and give
the whole family plenty of opportunities to rediscover each other.
Take the pressure off.
If the first few days and weeks of being together as a family
aren't exactly the fairy tale you had in mind, try not to be
discouraged. Putting pressure on yourself or your family to act or
feel a certain way will only make things harder. Keep a sense of
humor and let the process unfold naturally.
Every Child Is Different
No two children will react to a parent's deployment in
exactly the same way. Even within the same family, some kids are
naturally even-keeled and resilient, while others are much more
sensitive. Some kids voice their concerns out loud; others worry in
silence.
A child who's feeling anxiety may show it in a number of
subtle ways. Babies and toddlers may become withdrawn or clingy.
Preschoolers may regress in their behaviors or experience a
resurfacing of old fears. Older kids and teens - even those who
appear to take things in stride - may also have a tough time,
experiencing decreased appetite, withdrawal from activities, sleep
problems and nightmares, restlessness, stomachaches, aggression,
anger, sadness, and difficulty at school.
If your child experiences any of these issues, avoid punishing,
scolding, or shaming. Children may simply be making sure there is
still someone ready to take care of them. Or they may be struggling
with feelings they haven't verbalized. Plenty of reassurance
and understanding - as well as calm but clear statements about what
behaviors are out of bounds - is your best bet for getting your
child back on track.
Try not to take it personally if your child expresses anger
toward either the absent or remaining parent. Though hard to hear,
some temporary anger is normal when something happens that kids
don't want and can't control. Help your kids express their
strongest feelings in words (keeping a journal is a great way to do
this), and continue to set limits on unacceptable ways to express
anger. Tell them when you're feeling proud of their bravery,
helpfulness, and other efforts.
Deployment is not an easy time for a family. Whether you're
the parent who's away or the one at home, your kids will need
your love and encouragement more than ever. Some days will be
harder than others, but you can get through it - especially with
the help of others.
Reviewed by:
W. Douglas Tynan, PhD, and D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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