Recognizing Feelings
Living through our teen years comes with all sorts of changes
and adjustments, so it's normal to face some emotional ups and
downs. If a person is obese or struggling with extra weight, it can
add to these emotions.
Of course, not everyone who is overweight or obese is worried or
upset about it. Lots of us know confident, happy people who are
overweight - and thin, fit people who are insecure. But because
people often feel pressure to look a certain way, teens with weight
issues are more likely to feel misunderstood or isolated.
To people who aren't overweight or who don't
understand, being overweight can seem like a simple problem
("Hey, you're just not eating right or exercising
enough!") with a simple solution ("Hey, just eat
less or exercise more!"). That's not helpful, and it can
often make people feel like extra weight is their fault -
which of course it's not. If losing weight were simple, no one
would be in the situation of staying overweight. So it's
natural to feel frustrated, angry, or upset. Being aware
of difficult emotions is the first step in dealing with
them.
It takes practice to recognize emotions. Sometimes they can be
so sudden and powerful that it's hard to sort out exactly what
you're feeling. The best way is to pause and pay attention for
a moment when you first notice yourself feeling upset. Try to
acknowledge exactly what emotion you're feeling without judging
yourself. That means saying to yourself, "I feel angry [or
sad, or frustrated]" instead of, "It's stupid to get
so mad about something this small."
If you're upset but aren't quite sure why, it can help
to talk to someone you trust, like a close friend, family member,
or counselor. Talking things over can also help people figure out
how to deal with powerful emotions.
If it's hard to talk about your feelings or you think
people won't understand, keep a journal, draw or paint, or do
something else that helps you sort through difficult emotions. The
more you take time to explore your feelings, the more skilled you
become at coping with emotions as they come up. That can make it
easier to find solutions to problems.
Here are some of the more common issues that affect people who
are overweight, along with ideas on what to do.
Social Concerns
Many people who are overweight worry about what others think.
When people judge you unfairly, it can make you feel like it's
your fault - which of course it's not. Well-meaning parents,
siblings, or friends can sometimes make things worse by making
"suggestions" about food or exercise. Of course, all that
does is keep a person's mind focused on weight, which
doesn't help.
Some teens who are overweight get teased, and bullying can be a
real problem. It's just another example of how other people
don't fully understand what it's like to be overweight.
Those who are overweight have worries and concerns that others
don't even realize, like fitting into a seat in the auditorium,
shopping for clothes that are in style, or being able to keep up in
gym class.
Sometimes physical discomfort or fear of rejection and being
judged might make people who are overweight shy away from
socializing or doing things they enjoy. But the best thing to do is
to put yourself in social situations to take your mind - and other
people's - off your weight and back onto you as a person.
Social Concerns: What You Can Do
A great way to ease into being more social is to volunteer for
something you really like doing. The people you volunteer with will
share the same interests, so you'll all be focused on a common
goal. They'll come to know you for your skills and
achievements, not your weight!
Joining school extracurricular activities is another good idea.
If you want to meet people outside school, find out what's
going on at the library, the YMCA, or a local drama group.
Remember that everyone feels shy when stepping into a new
situation, even people who seem really confident. You may want to
find a friend to join and support you when trying new activities.
But even if you can't, it shouldn't take long to feel more
comfortable.
When it comes to friends, focus on building one or two close
friendships. Knowing that you have a couple of true friends who are
always there for you can help anyone deal with life's ups and
downs. A support system of a few true friends can help buffer any
bullying or demeaning comments.
But what about when friends and family aren't giving you the
support you need? If you feel pressured or misunderstood by friends
or family, explain - gently - how you feel. For example, tell them
it doesn't help when they suggest you eat like someone else or
when they compare you with another person. Let people know what you
appreciate (such as praise when you do well) and what you don't
like (such as comments about weight or lecturing about food or
exercise). If you explain your feelings calmly and rationally,
family members or friends will be more likely to listen.
If You're Bullied
If you're being teased or bullied, talk to friends or write
in a journal about how people's comments make you feel. Then
use positive statements about yourself to get past the hurt and
remind you of your good qualities. For example, you could balance a
comment like, "You're fat" by saying to yourself,
"My weight is not what I wish it would be, but I am a cool,
interesting person."
Sometimes ignoring teasing, bullying, and inappropriate comments
is the best approach. But if the situation is really getting you
down, you may want to stand up for yourself. The best way to do
this is to speak back confidently. Say positive things about
yourself and talk about your strengths without confronting the
person in a way that might make things worse.
If you are being bullied, try not to let your anger take over.
Reacting with aggression shows the bully that he or she has hit a
nerve - and that may just make the bullying worse. Losing your
temper also can make you feel less powerful and in control.
If you feel you can't stand up to teasing and bullying on
your own, it's OK to ask for a little help. You might want to
talk to a school counselor, parent, religious leader, or other
trusted adult and ask for ideas on how to handle hurtful comments
as they happen. Going to an adult for help will also help alert
someone else to what you're going through.
Self-Esteem
Some people who are overweight have very good self-esteem. They
are able to focus on their accomplishments and take pride in
themselves. But lots of people who struggle with weight issues also
struggle with low self-esteem - especially when other people can be
so unkind about weight issues.
The amount of time it takes to lose weight, and the natural
tendency to slip up occasionally, can leave people feeling
discouraged and disappointed. This can lead to self-criticism,
anger, or even guilt about letting friends or family down.
When we have negative thoughts and feelings about our bodies and
what they can do, these feelings may overflow into other areas of
life. Negative thoughts can affect a person's self-image
and make it difficult to accomplish goals. For example, someone who
thinks "I can't do this" or "Why bother,
I'll always be overweight" may have a harder time losing
weight. This is one reason why it's important to recognize any
negative emotions and work hard to change them.
Sometimes, difficult feelings - and constant worry over food -
make a person eat more. But there is a way to break the cycle and
build healthier self-esteem.
Self-Esteem Issues: What You Can Do
Start by loving yourself. If you feel tempted to put your body
or yourself down, focus instead on your talents and things you do
well.
Another great way to boost self-esteem is to accomplish
goals
that you set for yourself. If you're trying to lose weight,
make your goals about changing behaviors, not about losing weight.
Set small, realistic goals and then check in regularly to watch
your progress. For example, your goal may be to pack a healthy
lunch one day a week.
Another way to feel good about yourself is to find others who
support you. Talk to them about how you feel and how they can help
(even if you just need them to listen and understand).
Your doctor is another wonderful resource. Ask a parent to make
an appointment so you can talk to your doctor about weight
management and advice on the types of exercises you can do. Your
doctor may also be able to refer you to a nutritionist for help
with meal planning. A school nurse is another great resource for
ideas on how to take charge of your health.
Depression
When confidence fades and self-esteem takes a beating, it's
harder to stick with a weight loss program. It's no wonder that
people who are overweight can lose heart and become depressed.
If you think you may be depressed, tell someone. It's
especially important to tell a parent or other trusted adult (like
a school counselor or religious leader) if you often find yourself
thinking about dying or suicide.
There's no doubt that being overweight can be hard, both
physically and emotionally. But there are ways to feel better,
including being aware of emotions, thinking positively, and finding
others to support us. And feeling better about ourselves can help
us to lose weight.
Reviewed by:
Meredith Lutz Stehl, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
© 1995-2009 The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth. All rights reserved.