Your 10-year-old daughter comes home crying because the girls
she's been friends with are suddenly leaving her out and
spreading rumors about her. She's confused because it seemed to
happen out of the blue. She doesn't know what she did wrong and
is nervous about returning to school, unsure if she has any
friends.
Given how prevalent cliques are throughout middle and high
school, at some point your child is likely to face the prospect of
being in one or being excluded from them. There's little you
can do to shield kids from cliques, but plenty you can do to help
them maintain confidence and self-respect while negotiating cliques
and understanding what true friendship is all about.
What's a Clique?
Friendship is an important part of kids' development. Having
friends helps them be independent beyond the family and prepares
them for the mutual, trusting relationships we hope they'll
establish as adults.
Groups of friends are different from cliques in some important
ways. Friendships grow out of shared interests, sports, activities,
classes, neighborhoods, or even family connections. In groups of
friends, members are free to socialize and hang out with others
outside the group without worrying about being cast out. They may
not do everything together - and that's OK.
Cliques sometimes form around common interests, but the social
dynamics are very different. Cliques are usually tightly controlled
by leaders who decide who is "in" and who is
"out." The kids in the clique do most things together.
Someone who has a friend outside the clique may face rejection or
ridicule.
Members of the clique usually follow the leader's rules,
whether it's wearing particular clothes or doing certain
activities. Cliques usually involve lots of rules - implied
and clearly stated - and intense pressure to follow them. Kids in
cliques often worry about whether they'll continue to be
popular or whether they'll be dropped for doing or saying the
wrong thing or for not dressing in a certain way. This can create a
lot of pressure, particularly for girls, who might be driven to
extreme dieting and eating disorders or even to ask for plastic
surgery. Others may be pressured to take risks like steal, pull
pranks, or bully other kids in order to stay in the clique.
When Cliques Cause Problems
For most kids, the pre-teen and teen years are a time to figure
out how they want to fit in and how they want to stand out.
It's natural for kids to occasionally feel insecure; long to be
accepted; and hang out with the kids who seem more attractive,
cool, or popular.
But cliques can cause long-lasting trouble when:
- kids behave in a way they feel conflicted about or know is
wrong in order to please a leader and stay in the group
- a group becomes an antisocial clique or a gang that has
unhealthy rules, such as weight loss or bullying others based on
looks, disabilities, race, or ethnicity
- a child is rejected by a group and feels ostracized and
alone
How Parents Can Help
As kids navigate friendships and cliques, there's plenty
parents can do to offer support. If your child seems upset, or
suddenly spends time alone when usually very social, ask about
it.
Here are some tips:
-
Talk about your own experiences.
Share your own experiences of school - cliques have been around
for a long time!
-
Help put rejection in perspective.
Remind your child of times he or she has been angry with parents,
friends, or siblings - and how quickly things can change.
-
Shed some light on social dynamics.
Acknowledge that people are often judged by the way a person
looks, acts, or dresses, but that often people act mean and put
others down because they lack self-confidence and try to cover it
up by maintaining control.
-
Find stories they can relate to.
Many books, TV shows, and movies portray outsiders triumphing in
the face of rejection and send strong messages about the
importance of being true to your own nature and the value of
being a good friend, even in the face of difficult social
situations. For school-age kids, books like "Blubber"
by Judy Blume illustrate how quickly cliques can change. Older
kids and teens might relate to movies such as "Mean
Girls," "Angus," "The Breakfast Club,"
and "Clueless" or the new TV show "Aliens in
America."
-
Foster out-of-school friendships.
Get kids involved in extracurricular activities (if they
aren't already) - art class, martial arts, horse riding,
language study - any activity that gives them an opportunity to
create another social group and learn new skills.
If your child is part of a clique and is one of the kids
bullying
or rejecting others, it's important to address that right away.
With popular TV shows from talent contests to reality series
glorifying rude behavior, it's an uphill battle for families to
promote kindness, respect, and compassion. Discuss the role of
power and control in friendships and try to get to the heart of why
your child feels compelled to be in that position. Discuss who is
in and who is out, and what happens when kids are out (are they
ignored, shunned, bullied?). Challenge kids to think and talk about
whether they're proud of the way they act in school.
Ask teachers, guidance counselors, or other school officials for
their perspective on the social dynamics in and out of class.
They might be able to tell you about any programs the school
has to address cliques and help kids with differences get
along.
Encouraging Healthy Friendships
Here are some ways to encourage kids to have healthy friendships
and not get too caught up in cliques:
-
Find the right fit
-
don't just fit in.
Encourage kids to think about what they value and are interested
in, and how those things fit in with the group. Ask questions
like: What is the main reason you want to be part of the group?
What compromises will you have to make? Is it worth it? What
would you do if the group leader insisted you act mean to other
kids or do something you don't want to do?
-
Stick to your likes.
If your child has always loved to play the piano but suddenly
wants to drop it because it's deemed "uncool,"
discuss ways to help resolve this.
-
Keep social circles open and diverse.
Encourage kids to be friends with people they like and enjoy from
different settings, backgrounds, ages, and interests.
-
Speak out and stand up.
If they're feeling worried or pressured by what's
happening in the cliques, encourage your kids to stand up for
themselves or others who are being cast out or bullied. Encourage
them not to participate in anything that feels wrong, whether
it's a practical joke or talking about people behind their
backs.
-
Take responsibility for your own actions.
Encourage sensitivity to others and not just going along with a
group. Remind kids that a true friend respects their opinions,
interests, and choices, no matter how different they are.
Acknowledge that it can be difficult to stand out, but that
ultimately kids are responsible for what they say and
do.
Remember to provide the big-picture perspective too. As
hard as cliques might be to deal with now, things can change
quickly. What's more important is making true friends -
people they can confide in, laugh with, and trust. And the real
secret to being "popular" - in the truest sense of the
word - is for them to be the kind of friend they'd like to
have: respectful, fair, supportive, caring, trustworthy, and
kind.
Reviewed by:
Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: October 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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