To adults, childhood can seem like a carefree time. But kids
still experience stress. Things like school and social life can
sometimes create pressures that can feel overwhelming for kids. As
a parent, you can't protect your kids from stress - but you can
help them develop healthy ways to cope with stress and solve
everyday problems.
A KidsHealth® KidsPoll showed that kids deal with stress in both
healthy and unhealthy ways. It also revealed that while they
may not initiate a conversation about what's bothering them,
kids do want their parents to reach out and help them cope with
their troubles.
But it's not always easy for parents to know what to do
for a child who's feeling stressed.
Here are a few ideas:
Notice out loud.
Tell your child when you notice that something's bothering him
or her. If you can, name the feeling you think your child is
experiencing. ("It seems like you're still mad about what
happened at the playground.") This shouldn't sound like an
accusation (as in, "OK, what happened now? Are you still mad
about that?") or put a child on the spot. It's just a
casual observation that you're interested in hearing more about
your child's concern. Be sympathetic and show you care and want
to understand.
Listen to your child.
Ask your child to tell you what's wrong. Listen attentively and
calmly - with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any
urge to judge, blame, lecture, or say what you think your child
should have done instead. The idea is to let your child's
concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole story by
asking questions like "And then what happened?" Take your
time. And let your child take his or her time, too.
Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was
experiencing.
For example, you might say "That must have been
upsetting," "No wonder you felt mad when they
wouldn't let you in the game," or "That must have
seemed unfair to you." Doing this shows that you understand
what your child felt, why, and that you care. Feeling understood
and listened to helps your child feel supported by you, and
that is especially important in times of stress.
Put a label on it.
Many kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child
seems angry or frustrated, use those words to help him or her learn
to identify the emotions by name. Putting feelings into words helps
kids communicate and develop emotional awareness - the ability to
recognize their own emotional states. Kids who can do so are less
likely to reach the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions
get demonstrated through behaviors rather than communicated with
words.
Help your child think of things to do.
If there's a specific problem that's causing stress, talk
together about what to do. Encourage your child to think of a
couple of ideas. You can get the brainstorm started if necessary,
but don't do all the work. Your child's active
participation will build confidence. Support the good ideas and add
to them as needed. Ask, "How do you think this will
work?"
Listen and move on.
Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all
that's needed to help a child's frustrations begin to melt
away. Afterwards, try changing the subject and moving on to
something more positive and relaxing. Help your child think of
something to do to feel better. Don't give the problem more
attention than it deserves.
Limit stress where possible.
If certain situations are causing stress, see if there are ways to
change things. For instance, if too many after-school activities
consistently cause homework stress, it might be necessary to limit
activities to leave time and energy for homework.
Just be there.
Kids don't always feel like talking about what's bothering
them. Sometimes that's OK. Let your kids know you'll be
there when they do feel like talking. Even when kids don't
want to talk, they usually don't want parents to leave them
alone. You can help your child feel better just by being there -
keeping him or her company, spending time together. So if you
notice that your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or
having a bad day - but doesn't feel like talking - initiate
something you can do together. Take a walk, watch a movie, shoot
some hoops, or bake some cookies. Isn't it nice to know that
your presence really counts?
Be patient.
As a parent, it hurts to see your child unhappy or stressed. But
try to resist the urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on
helping your child, slowly but surely, grow into a good
problem-solver - a kid who knows how to roll with life's ups
and downs, put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and
bounce back to try again.
Parents can't solve every problem as kids go through life.
But by teaching healthy coping strategies, you'll prepare your
kids to manage the stresses that come in the future.
Reviewed by:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: February 2009
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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