When You're Expecting
Pregnant women experience a variety of emotions and life
changes. But most
first-time dads
have their own feelings and concerns to deal with, too.
If you feel shocked, panicked, overwhelmed, scared, or like
you're just not ready, you're not alone. Like any big
change, this will require a major adjustment. And if the pregnancy
wasn't planned - half of all pregnancies aren't - you may
be feeling these emotions even more intensely.
You don't have to feel guilty or anxious about having mixed
emotions; it's completely normal. And you can take
steps to get more comfortable with the pregnancy, the idea of
parenthood, and the preparations that can make both go as smoothly
as possible.
Here are a few concerns that may be bothering you and
ways to keep them in perspective:
Will I be capable of caring for a baby?
No one is born knowing this stuff, not even your pregnant
partner - that's why there are
childbirth classes
. Depending on what's available in your area, you can take
classes as early as the 12th week of pregnancy or one
that focuses just on the day of labor and can be taken as late
as the eighth month. And some communities offer classes designed
just for first-time dads.
Most classes teach how to
change a diaper
, hold the baby,
feed
and
burp
the baby, put the baby to
sleep
, install a car seat, and
childproof your home
. You'll also learn where to park your car when you get to the
hospital, how to get through labor, and how to care for your baby
and your partner when you get home from the hospital.
Along with the lessons, you'll meet other guys going through
the same experience who might be dealing with similar feelings, and
that can be a huge help. The nurses and childbirth educators who
lead these classes have seen dads in a variety of emotional states,
so don't feel embarrassed or hesitant about asking them for
help.
Will I be a good dad?
Remember that you're not going to have to tackle every part
of fatherhood at once. For the first few years, a lot of the
parenting involves skills taught in childbirth classes and
mastered through practice.
It's much like other new roles that you might take on
in your life. If you're married, you didn't
automatically know how to be a good husband. You learned along the
way with your wife.
You have plenty of time before you have to set curfews, teach
your child to drive, and dole out relationship and career advice.
These opportunities to teach your child will feel like a
natural progression when they arrive. If you need guidance, check
for resources in the community, including parenting
classes.
It may help to talk to and spend time with other fathers and
discuss issues you may be grappling with. If you feel like you have
issues about your own father to work through, try to talk with
someone - maybe a counselor or a family member - before the baby
arrives so that they don't interfere with your
relationship with your own child.
How can we afford this?
Feeding, clothing, and educating another human being is going to
cost money that's now spent on other things - there's no
question about it. But you can reduce your stress about the
finances.
It may help to get a sense of what your costs will be right
after the baby is born. Your health insurer, employer, or your
partner's employer may be able to give you an idea of the
costs and what is covered. Many workplaces now offer some paid
paternity leave, so be sure to ask.
Consider meeting with a financial planner to get some
money-management guidance. You may also want to talk to other new
parents you know to get an idea of how they managed and what
unexpected expenses cropped up.
You can open a college fund - or any kind of bank account - any
time to save for new expenses. You may want to start putting away a
few dollars each week to fund items like childcare and diapers.
That way, you'll have a head start on meeting your
child's financial needs.
Remember, you won't have to pay for certain expenses. For
instance, if your partner decides to breastfeed, you'll save
money on the cost of feeding your newborn. Also, many families
share maternity and baby clothes because pregnant women and babies
wear a particular size of clothes for such a short time.
Is this the end of my independence?
Fatherhood doesn't have to spell the end of fun. True, you
may not get much sleep or time for yourself during the first few
months until your baby starts sleeping through the night. But
when the baby sleeps more, you and your partner will have more time
for things you enjoy, together and individually.
Again, it's important to work together, communicate, and
trade off on the childcare responsibilities so that you each get
what you need. And try to get to know other new parents, who can
share their perspectives and offer a sounding board.
In the early years, you can include your little one in many
activities - maybe your child can sit with you while you watch
a basketball game or read the newspaper or a book. Check
out the special baby carriers that let parents take their
tots along on walks and hikes.
It's easy to fear losing out on free time, but most moms and
dads discover that once their child is born they treasure time
spent with their baby.
How will this change our relationship and sex life?
Pregnant women experience huge physical, hormonal, and emotional
changes, while also grappling with the same life changes as the
dads-to-be. As the pregnancy progresses, it may affect both of you
emotionally.
Moodiness can be tough to deal with, no matter what the cause,
but your patience and understanding can go a long way. Try to help
your partner work through any stress she might be feeling
about the pregnancy and parenthood.
If you're not feeling stable or good about your
relationship, try to work through the issues as soon as possible.
Many couples mistakenly think that a baby will bring them together.
But a baby can't fix a troubled relationship - that's the
job of you and your partner. And the sooner you find a way to work
together, the sooner you'll feel more comfortable with your
impending parenthood.
You can enjoy
sex during pregnancy
as long as the pregnancy is considered low risk for complications
of miscarriage or preterm labor. Discuss with your doctor,
nurse-midwife, or other health care provider any risks that may be
relevant to you and your partner. You don't have to feel
embarrassed; they're used to such questions. As with any other
aspect of pregnancy, it's important for you and your partner to
speak openly about what feels right for each of you.
Of course, just because sex is safe during pregnancy doesn't
mean you and your partner will want to have it. Many couples find
that their sex drive - and comfort level - fluctuates during the
different stages of pregnancy as both get used to all of the
changes. Again, keeping the lines of communication open is key.
How am I going to get through labor?
As far as the gross-out factor goes, no rule says you must catch
the baby when he or she emerges, cut the umbilical cord, or even be
in the delivery room.
In childbirth classes you'll learn about massage and
pain-management
techniques where you'll stand behind your partner at her head
and shoulders while she is pushing. As you learn about this, talk
to your partner about what you're each comfortable with.
It's common to fear fainting, but the truth is that few men
do. In fact, many men come out of it thinking that there's much
less blood in the process than they expected!
Expectant moms, of course, do the hardest work
during labor, but dads still play a crucial role. Your
partner will need someone to look out for her interests and needs.
Long before the due date, it's important to
discuss preferences about pain management, medication, and
treatment so that you can tell the health care team if your
partner is unable to. You'll also be the connection between
your partner and your families during the birth.
How can I help my partner?
Your doctor will probably warn you about things that can go
wrong, particularly if you and your partner are older. And it's
likely that you'll both have various tests and screenings
for
birth defects
and other
health problems
.
Hearing all of this can be frightening. But you can do many
things to help your partner - and your unborn baby - stay healthy
during the pregnancy.
If you know other families with newborns and young kids, it may
be helpful to spend time with them. If you don't know other new
parents, your doctor or local childbirth center might be able to
put you in touch with other families in your area.
Try to go with your partner to doctor appointments, where you
can ask questions, gather information, hear the baby's
heartbeat, and see an image of the baby on a sonogram. You may also
want to tour the maternity ward at the hospital or birthing center
where you plan to have the baby.
Start preparing your home for the baby by making any needed home
improvements or renovations.
Remember that anxiety about pregnancy and parenthood is like
anxiety you might feel about anything. Use stress-relief strategies
that work for you - perhaps exercise or enjoying movies, books,
music, or sports.
Talking About It
Communication can be a challenge for expectant couples. Even
before the pregnancy shows, moms-to-be have strong physical
reminders that a baby is on the way and life is going to change
dramatically. So your partner might want to talk about the
pregnancy while you're still adjusting to it.
If you're not ready to talk to her yet, you have other
options. You may be more comfortable confiding in friends,
relatives, and other new dads, who can offer reassurance and
helpful suggestions. Many hospitals and childbirth centers also
have professionals who work with new parents and can speak with
you confidentially.
Remember that billions of guys before you experienced - and
survived - fatherhood. There's no secret handshake and
you're not supposed to instinctively know how to be a good dad.
Just do your best to prepare for the birth, know that what follows
will be on-the-job training, and reach out for the many
resources that can help.
Reviewed by:
Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: September 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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