Teary and tantrum-filled goodbyes are a common part of a
child's earliest years. Around the first birthday, many kids
develop separation anxiety, getting upset when a parent tries to
leave them with someone else.
Though separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of
childhood development, it can be unsettling.
Understanding what your child is going through and having a few
coping strategies can help both of you get through it.
How Separation Anxiety Develops
Babies adapt pretty well to other caregivers. Parents probably
feel more anxiety about being separated than infants do! As long as
their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust
easily to other people.
Sometime between 4-7 months, babies develop a sense of object
permanence and begin to learn that things and people exist even
when they're out of sight. This is when babies start playing
the "dropsy" game - dropping things over the side of the
high chair and expecting an adult to retrieve it (which, once
retrieved, get dropped again!).
The same thing occurs with a parent. Babies realize that
there's only mom or dad, and when they can't see you, that
means you've gone away. And most don't yet yet understand
the concept of time so do not know if or when you'll come
back.
Whether you're in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at
the office, it's all the same to your baby. You've
disappeared, and your child will do whatever he or she can to
prevent this from happening.
Stresses Can Trigger Anxiety
Between 8 months old 1 year old, kids grow into more independent
toddlers, yet they are even more uncertain about being separated
from a parent. This is when separation anxiety develops, and a
child may become agitated and upset when parent tries to leave.
Whether you need to go into the next room for just a few
seconds, leave your child with a sitter for the evening, or drop
off your child at day care, your little might now react by crying,
clinging to you, and resisting attention from others.
The timing of separation anxiety can vary widely from child to
child. Some kids may go through it later, between 18 months and
21/2 years of age. Some may never experience it. And for others,
certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being
separated from a parent: a new
child care situation
or caregiver,
a new sibling
,
moving to a new place
, or tension at home.
How long does separation anxiety last? It varies, depending on
the child and how a parent responds. In some cases, depending on a
child's temperament, separation anxiety can last from infancy
through the elementary school years. In cases where the separation
anxiety interferes with an older child's normal activities, it
can indicate a deeper anxiety disorder. If separation anxiety
appears out of the blue in an older child, there might be another
problem, like bullying or abuse.
Separation anxiety is different from the normal feelings older
kids have when they don't want a parent to leave. In those
cases, the distress can usually be overcome if a child is
distracted enough, and won't re-emerge until the parent returns
and the child remembers that the parent left.
And kids do understand the effect this behavior has on parents.
If you come running back into the room every time your child cries
and then stay there longer or cancel your plans, your child will
continue to use this tactic to avoid separation.
What You May Be Feeling
During this stage, you might experience different emotions. It can
be gratifying to feel that your child is finally as attached to you
as you are to him or her. But you're likely to feel guilty
about taking time out for yourself, leaving your child with a
caregiver, or going to work. And you may start to feel overwhelmed
by the amount of attention your child seems to need from you.
Keep in mind that your little one's unwillingness to leave
you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between
the two of you. Eventually, your child will be able to remember
that you always return after you leave, and that will be enough
comfort while you're gone. This also gives kids a chance to
develop coping skills and a little independence.
Making Goodbyes Easier
These strategies can help ease kids and parents through this
difficult period:
- Timing is everything.
Try not to start day care or child care with an unfamiliar person
when your little one is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year,
when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not
to leave when your child is likely to be tired, hungry, or
restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after
naps and mealtimes.
- Practice.
Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people
and places gradually. If you're planning to leave your child
with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over
in advance so they can spend time together while you're in
the room. If your child is starting at a new day care center or
preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time
schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for
short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being
away from you.
- Be calm and consistent.
Create a exit ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and
firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child.
Reassure him or her that you'll be back - and explain how
long it will be until you return using concepts kids will
understand (such as after lunch) because your child can't yet
understand time. Give him or her your full attention when you say
goodbye, and when you say you're leaving, mean it; coming
back will only make things worse.
- Follow through on promises.
It's important to make sure that you return when you have
promised to. This is critical - this is how your child will
develop the confidence that he or she can make it through the
time apart.
As hard as it may be to leave a child who's screaming and
crying for you, it's important to have confidence that the
caregiver can handle it. It may help both of you to set up a time
that you will call to check in, maybe 15 to 20 minutes after you
leave. By that time, most kids have calmed down are playing with
other things. Don't let yourself give in early and call
sooner!
If you're caring for another person's child who's
experiencing separation anxiety, try to distract the child with an
activity or toy, or with songs, games, or anything else that's
fun. You may have to keep trying until something just clicks with
the child.
Also, try not to mention the child's mother or father, but
do answer the child's questions about his or her parents in a
simple and straightforward way. You might say: "Mommy and
Daddy are going to be back as soon as they are done dinner.
Let's play with some toys!"
It's Only Temporary
Remember that this phase will pass. If your child has never been
cared for by anyone but you, is naturally shy, or has other
stresses, it may be worse than it is for other kids.
Trust your instincts. If your child refuses to go to a certain
babysitter or day care center or shows other signs of tensions,
such as trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, then there could be a
problem with the child care situation.
If intense separation anxiety lasts into preschool, elementary
school, or beyond and interferes with your daily activities,
discuss it with your doctor. It could be a sign of a rare but more
serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder.
Kids with separation anxiety disorder fear being lost from their
family members and are often convinced that something bad will
happen. Talk with your doctor if your child has signs of this,
including:
- panic symptoms (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of
breath) or panic attacks before a parent leaves
- nightmares about separation
- fear of sleeping alone
- excessive worry about being lost or kidnapped or going places
without a parent
For most kids, the anxiety of being separated from a parent
passes without any need for medical attention. But if you have
concerns, talk to your doctor.
Reviewed by:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: November 2008
Originally reviewed by:
Michael J. Harkness, MD
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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