"I didn't do anything!" "It's not my
fault!" "Say you're sorry!"
Sound familiar? If so, you're like lots of kids who
sometimes argue with their friends and family members. Let's
face it - it's not always easy to get along with sisters and
brothers, parents, and friends. Kids aren't perfect and they
sometimes do things that get them into trouble. Saying
"I'm sorry" can help.
Saying you're sorry is called apologizing. When you
apologize, you're telling someone that you're sorry for the
hurt you caused, even if you didn't do it on purpose. People
who are apologizing might also say that they will try to do better.
They might promise to fix or replace what was broken or take back a
mean thing they said.
How Does It Make You Feel?
When you apologize to someone - and really mean it - it's
because you have stopped to think about how the person may have
felt because of what you did or said. When you stop to think about
the other person's feelings, you begin to feel sorry for your
behavior. You might even feel embarrassed or ashamed if you did
something that you knew was wrong.
Even if what happened was an accident or you did something you
didn't mean to do, you would probably still feel sorry if you
knew the other person's feelings were hurt. After apologizing,
you might feel a little better (the other person probably will,
too). When you apologize in a caring way, you can feel good because
you are trying to make things right again.
What Does an Apology Sound Like?
There are many ways to apologize. Here are some examples:
"I'm sorry about the mean thing I said to
you."
"I'm sorry I lost your book."
"I was mad, but I shouldn't have called you a name.
I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I'm really sorry I hit you when I was mad. That was
wrong. I won't do it anymore."
When you apologize to someone, he or she might apologize back to
you: "That's OK, I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have
teased you." And then maybe you can both feel friendly
again.
When Should You Apologize?
Kids might need to apologize if they hurt or teased someone or
lost something that belonged to someone else. They might need to
apologize if they broke something (even by accident - oops!), or if
they did something they knew was wrong - like telling a lie or
breaking a rule on purpose. Maybe they did something their parent
told them not to do, or maybe they didn't do something they
were supposed to do.
Kids might need to apologize to each other or to a grown-up.
Grown-ups can apologize, too - to other grown-ups or even to kids.
After all, even grown-ups make mistakes sometimes. By apologizing
when they're wrong, grown-ups can set a good example and show
kids how to do the right thing and apologize when they need to.
What If You Were Angry?
Everyone feels angry with someone else now and then. Being angry
is OK - and nothing to apologize for - but knowing how to tell
someone what made you angry is important.
When little kids are angry, they might hit or kick or scream.
They don't have much self-control and they might not have
learned yet that it's wrong to hit someone because they're
upset. But as kids get bigger and can use words, they know better
than to hit or kick or scream when they're angry. They learn to
express their feelings with words. Of course, the words they say
when they're angry might be stronger or louder than usual - but
the words don't have to be mean. You can tell someone
you're upset and why without putting that person down. You can
be honest about how you feel without being unkind.
But sometimes anger takes over and kids might lose self-control.
They might say mean things, lose their cool, and hit or push
someone. Afterward, most kids realize that even if they were right
to be angry, it is not OK to behave that way. That's when an
apology is definitely needed.
Does Apologizing Fix Everything?
Saying I'm sorry when you need to is the right thing to do.
It does a lot of good. But by itself, it might not be enough to
make everything all better again. Sometimes along with an apology,
a person needs to fix the mistake or say they will try to do
better. Sometimes doing a nice thing for the person after you
apologize helps show that you really are sorry and want to be
friendly again.
Sometimes a heartfelt "I'm sorry" fixes everything
right away. Other times, it might take a while for someone to feel
friendly after you apologize. You might need to give the other
person some time. Even after you say you're sorry, you might
still feel bad about what you said or did - but you can feel good
about apologizing and about making up your mind to do better.
When someone apologizes to you, you might not feel like being
friendly again right away. Once in a while, if a person doesn't
change, you might not want to be friends anymore. You might feel
relieved and glad that the other person apologized and admitted
being wrong. But if someone keeps behaving in mean ways or does
something that keeps hurting, you might not feel the same way
anymore. Just because someone apologizes to you doesn't mean
you have to be friendly again. That part is up to you.
Reviewed by:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: September 2006
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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