Preparing Kids
The arrival of a new baby can bring many changes to a
family. Parents spend a lot of energy on preparations, and after
the baby arrives, much of the family's attention involves
meeting the newborn's basic needs.
All this change can be hard for older siblings to handle.
It's common for them to feel jealousy toward the newborn
and to react to the upheaval by acting out.
But parents can prepare kids for an addition to the family.
Discussing the pregnancy in terms that make sense to kids, making
some arrangements, and including kids in the care of the newborn
can make things easier for everyone.
During Pregnancy
There's not one right time or perfect way to tell a child
about an impending sibling. When discussing the pregnancy, consider
your own comfort level and your child's maturity level.
Preschoolers, for example, may not grasp concepts of time, so it
might not mean much if you say that the baby will arrive in a
few months. It may be more useful to explain that the baby
will arrive in a particular season, such as winter or when it's
cold outside.
How much detail should you provide? Let your child's
questions be your guide. For example, a 4-year-old child may ask:
"Where do babies come from?" Despite how it sounds, the
child isn't asking you to explain sex but probably wants
to know where, literally, they come from. It may be enough to
explain: "The baby comes from the uterus, which is inside the
mother's belly." A child who wants to know more will
ask.
If your child shows more interest in the baby, these activities
can encourage that:
- going through your child's baby pictures
- reading books about childbirth (make sure they're
developmentally appropriate)
- visiting friends who have infants
- packing a bag for the hospital
- thinking of potential baby names
- going to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat
Also look into sibling birth classes, which many hospitals
offer to provide orientation for soon-to-be brothers and sisters.
These classes can include lessons on how to hold a baby,
explanations of how a baby is born, and opportunities for kids to
discuss their feelings about having a new brother or sister.
Planning for Childbirth
As your due date draws near, make arrangements for older kids
for the time when you're in the hospital. Discuss these plans
so kids know what to expect when the day arrives.
Consider letting your child visit you in the hospital as soon as
possible after the baby is born, ideally when no other visitors are
around - this helps reinforce the birth as an intimate family
event.
Try to keep routines as regular as possible in the days and
weeks around the baby's arrival. If you plan to make any room
shifts to accommodate the baby, do it a few weeks before your due
date. If older kids are approaching a major milestone, like
potty training or moving from a crib to a bed, try to make those
changes well before your due date or put them off until after the
baby has been home for a while.
Bringing the New Baby Home
Once the baby is home, you can help your other kids adjust
to the changes. Include them as much as possible in the daily
activities involving the baby so that they don't feel left
out.
Many kids want to help take care of a new baby. Though that
"help" may mean that each task takes longer, it can give
an older child a chance to interact with the baby in a positive
way. Depending on their age, a big brother or sister may want
to fold or fetch diapers, help push the carriage, talk to the baby,
or help dress, bathe, or burp the baby.
If your child expresses no interest in the baby, don't be
alarmed and don't force it. It can take time.
Some occasions, like breastfeeding, excludes older kids. For
these times, try to have toys on hand so that you can feed the baby
without being interrupted or worrying about an older child feeling
left out.
Try to take advantage of opportunities for one-on-one time with
older kids. Spend time together while the baby is sleeping and, if
possible, set aside time each day for older kids to get one
parent's undivided attention. Knowing that there's special
time exclusively for them may help reduce any resentment or anger
about the new baby.
Also remind relatives and friends that your older child might
want to talk about something other than the new baby.
Dealing With Feelings
With all of the changes that a new baby can bring, some older
kids might struggle as they try to adjust.
Encourage older kids to talk about their feelings about the new
baby. If a child cannot articulate those feelings, don't be
surprised if he or she tests limits or reverts to speaking in baby
talk.
If your child acts up, don't bend the rules, but understand
what feelings may be motivating that behavior. It could be a sign
that your child needs more one-on-one time with you, but make it
clear that although his or her feelings are important, they
have to be expressed in appropriate ways.
Reviewed by:
Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
Date reviewed: December 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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