When kids melt down in the middle of a crowded store, at a
holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, it can be
extremely frustrating. But parents can help kids learn self-control
and teach them how to respond to situations without just acting on
impulse.
Teaching self-control skills is one of the most important things
that parents can do for their kids because these are some of the
most important skills for success later in life.
Helping Kids Learn Self-Control
By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions
and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive
outcomes.
For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream
until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in
the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child
can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the
ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.
Here are a few suggestions on how to help kids learn to control
their behavior:
Up to Age 2
Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the
things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often
respond with temper tantrums. Try to prevent outbursts by
distracting your little one with toys or other activities. For kids
reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief timeout in a designated
area - like a kitchen chair or bottom stair - to show the
consequences for outbursts and teach that it's better to take
some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum.
Ages 3 to 5
You can continue to use timeouts, but rather than enforcing a
specific time limit, end timeouts once your child has calmed down.
This helps kids improve their sense of self-control. And praise
your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult
situations.
Ages 6 to 9
As kids enter school, they're better able to understand the
idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behavior.
It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed
and think about a situation before responding. Encourage your child
to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool
off instead of having an outburst.
Ages 10 to 12
Older kids usually better understand their feelings. Encourage
them to think about what's causing them to lose control and
then analyze it. Explain that sometimes the situations that are
upsetting at first don't end up being so awful. Urge kids to
take time to think before responding to a situation.
Ages 13 to 17
By now kids should be able to control most of their actions. But
remind teens to think about long-term consequences. Urge them to
pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding and talk
through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or
yelling. If necessary, discipline your teen by taking away certain
privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an
important skill.
When Kids Are Out of Control
As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when
you're disciplining your kids. Instead, be firm and matter of
fact. During a child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that
yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable
behaviors that have consequences - and say what those consequences
are.
Your actions will show that tantrums won't get kids the
upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery
store after you've explained why you won't buy candy,
don't give in - thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both
unacceptable and ineffective.
Also, consider speaking to your child's teachers about
classroom settings and appropriate behavioral expectations. Ask if
problem solving is taught or demonstrated in school.
And model good self-control yourself. If you're in an
irritating situation and your kids are present, tell them why
you're frustrated and then discuss the potential solutions to
the problem. For example, if you've misplaced your keys,
instead of getting upset, tell your kids the keys are missing and
then search for them together. If they don't turn up, take the
next constructive step (like retracing your steps when you last had
the keys in-hand). Show that good emotional control and problem
solving are the ways to deal with a difficult situation.
If you continue to have difficulties, ask your doctor if family
counseling sessions might help.
Reviewed by:
W. Douglas Tynan, PhD, ABPP
Date reviewed: November 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
© 1995-2009 The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth. All rights reserved.