Each day, 10-year-old Seth asked his mom for more and more lunch
money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school
hungry. It turned out that Seth was handing his lunch money to a
fifth-grader, who was threatening to beat him up if he didn't
pay.
Kayla, 13, thought things were going well at her new school,
since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she
found out that one of them had posted mean rumors about her on a
website. Kayla cried herself to sleep that night and started going
to the nurse's office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the
girls in study hall.
Unfortunately, the kind of bullying that Seth and Kayla
experienced is widespread. In national surveys, most kids and teens
say that bullying happens at school.
A bully can turn something like going to the bus stop or recess
into a nightmare for kids. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars
that last for life. And in extreme situations, it can culminate in
violent threats, property damage, or someone getting seriously
hurt.
If your child is being bullied, there are ways to help him or
her cope with it on a day-to-day basis
and
lessen its lasting impact. And even if bullying isn't an issue
right in your house right now, it's important to discuss
it so your kids will be prepared if it does happen.
What Is Bullying?
Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some
point. And it's not usually harmful when done in a playful,
friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when
teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and constant, it crosses the line
into bullying and needs to stop.
Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or
psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving,
name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and treasured
possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading
rumors about them. Others use email, chat rooms, instant messages,
social networking websites, and text messages to taunt others or
hurt their feelings.
It's important to take bullying seriously and not just brush
it off as something that kids have to "tough out." The
effects can be serious and affect kids' sense of self-worth and
future relationships. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to
tragedies, such as school shootings.
Why Do Kids Bully?
Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on kids
because they need a victim - someone who seems emotionally or
physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way -
to feel more important, popular, or in control. Although some
bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims, that's not
always the case.
Sometimes kids torment others because that's the way they've
been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they
come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets
angry, shouts, or calls names. Some popular TV shows even seem to
promote meanness - people are "voted off," shunned, or
ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.
Signs of Bullying
Unless your child tells you about bullying - or has visible
bruises or injuries - it can be difficult to figure out if it's
happening.
But there are some warning signs. You might notice your child
acting differently or seeming anxious, or not eating, sleeping
well, or doing the things that he or she usually enjoys. When kids
seem moodier or more easily upset than usual, or when they start
avoiding certain situations, like taking the bus to school, it may
be because of a bully.
If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open
up, find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout
way. For instance, you might see a situation on a TV show and use
it as a conversation starter, asking "What do you think of
this?" or "What do you think that person should have
done?" This might lead to questions like: "Have you ever
seen this happen?" or "Have you ever experienced
this?" You might want to talk about any experiences you
or another family member had at that age.
Let your child know that if he or she is being bullied - or sees
it happening to someone else - it's important to talk to
someone about it, whether it's you, another adult (a teacher,
school counselor, or family friend), or a sibling.
Helping Kids
If your child tells you about a bully, focus on offering comfort
and support, no matter how upset you are. Kids are often reluctant
to tell adults about bullying. They feel embarrassed and ashamed
that it's happening. They worry that their parents will be
disappointed.
Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault, that if they
looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. Sometimes
they're scared that if the bully finds out that they told, it
will get worse. Others are worried that their parents won't
believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their
parents will urge them to fight back when they're scared
to.
Praise your child for being brave enough to talk about it.
Remind your child that he or she isn't alone - a lot of people
get bullied at some point. Emphasize that it's the bully who is
behaving badly - not your child. Reassure your child that you will
figure out what to do about it together.
Sometimes an older sibling or friend can help deal with the
situation. It may help your daughter to hear how the older sister
she idolizes was teased about her braces and how she dealt with it.
An older sibling or friend may also be able to give you some
perspective on what's happening at school, or wherever the
bullying is happening, and help you figure out the best
solution.
Take it seriously if your hear that the bullying will get worse
if the bully finds out that your child told. Sometimes it's
useful to approach the bully's parents. In other cases,
teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If
you've tried those methods and still want to speak to the
bullying child's parents, it's best to do so in a context
where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.
Many states have bullying laws and policies. Find out about the
laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious
concerns about your child's safety, you may need to contact
legal authorities.
Advice for Kids
The key to helping kids is providing strategies that deal with
bullying on an everyday basis and also help restore their
self-esteem and regain a sense of dignity.
It may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all,
you're angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were
told to "stand up for yourself" when you were young. And
you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands
of the bully.
But it's important to advise kids not to respond to bullying
by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into
violence, trouble, and someone getting injured. Instead, it's
best to walk away from the situation, hang out with others, and
tell an adult.
Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can
help improve the situation and make them feel better:
-
Avoid the bully and use the buddy system.
Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to
your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have
someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully.
Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess
- wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
-
Hold the anger.
It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what
bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not
reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of
practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a
bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice
"cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing
down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a
"poker face" until they are clear of any danger
(smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
-
Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully.
Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away.
Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting
uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring
the bully, you're showing that you don't care.
Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to
bother you.
-
Tell an adult.
Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school
can all help stop bullying.
-
Talk about it.
Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher,
sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and
even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a
little less alone.
-
Remove the incentives.
If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your
lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't
bring it to school.
Reaching Out
At home you can lessen the impact of the bullying. Encourage
your kids to get together with friends that help build their
confidence. Help them meet other kids by joining clubs or
sports programs. And find activities that can help a child feel
confident and strong. Maybe it's a self-defense class like
karate or a movement or other gym class.
And just remember: as upsetting as bullying can be for you
and your family, lots of people and resources are available to
help.
Reviewed by:
Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: June 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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