A Challenging Change
Every book on parenting will tell you that life forever changes
after the birth of a child. So parents of twins or higher-order
multiples (triplets or more) can feel as if they've left the
hospital and arrived home on a different planet.
Yet multiple births are more common than ever, as more couples
have babies later in life or turn to fertility treatments, both of
which increase the chances of having multiples. The incidence of
twin and higher-order multiple births has climbed rapidly over the
last two decades. Between 1980 and 2000, the number of twin births
in the United States increased 74%, and the number of higher order
multiples increased fivefold. Today, about 3% of babies in the U.S.
are born in sets of two, three, or more. Most of these multiple
births (about 95%) are twins.
The arrival of multiple newborns presents certain medical,
logistical, financial, and emotional challenges for a family. But
the upswing in twins, triplets, quadruplets, and more also means an
increase in resources to help those families. Often, parents who
are expecting multiples find that other families who've been
through the experience are a great help.
Changes Accompanying the Birth of Multiples
Some of the differences in lifestyle that multiple births will
require are easy to anticipate. Standards for household neatness
will likely have to relax for a few years, unless you can afford to
hire a house-cleaning service. You'll get a lot less sleep, as
multiple babies require frequent feeding and care at night.
The financial impact also can be significant. Any costs
associated with newborns - for diapers, clothing, food and
medication, high chair, toys, car seats, etc. - are
exponentially higher. Even the cost of health care for the delivery
of twins is four times higher than with a single birth. Add to this
the cost of expanded living space, a larger vehicle, and possibly
part-time help in the home. One partner may even need to give up an
income to stay home and take care of the babies.
Also, because of the high rate of disability in kids born
as part of higher-order births, particularly those born
prematurely
, there's the possibility of having to manage the costs
associated with caring for a child with a lifelong
disability.
Though some stores give discounts for families who have twins or
higher-order multiples, larger-scale donations of formula and
diapers from major manufacturers are more rare than they once were.
At the same time, family and friends with babies, social service
agencies, nonprofit groups, and support groups can be good sources
of hand-me-downs and can help you meet the needs of your
babies.
Some changes may come as more of a surprise. Having less time
for each individual baby can make you feel guilty or sad. These
emotions can become even more complex if you already have other
children. Any stress and fatigue associated with caring for your
kids can sometimes have an impact on your
relationship with your partner
.
Yet despite all of the challenges, multiples also bring great
rewards. You'll get the unique chance to love several babies at
once and marvel at the relationship between them, which is a very
special one. And there's a fascination surrounding multiples
that is hard to deny.
Help From Others
When caring for multiple babies, it's important to recognize
the need to recruit extra help. Some families hire help, some rely
on volunteered time from extended family members, neighbors, fellow
parishoners, or support groups for parents of multiples. Before
your babies are born, think about the levels, sources, and
types of help that would feel the most comfortable for you and your
family.
Volunteers could bring food, bathe babies, shop, clean, or
babysit while you nap or get out of the house. They can even run
errands for you. But also consider how comfortable you'll feel
having other caretakers in the house, which can compromise your
feeling of intimacy and privacy with your family.
Even though there's no one right way to raise your
multiples, it might help to see what other parents have done. Look
for a support group for parents of multiples in your town.
When you're setting up your network of volunteers, it's
also important to keep in mind the health of your newborns. Infants
born prematurely can be particularly vulnerable to
respiratory syncytial virus (or RSV)
, a flu-like illness that can be highly contagious and cause
serious health problems. Establish hand-washing procedures and
other safety precautions around the house for your helpers.
It's also important that those caregivers be familiar with any
medical problems the infants have.
Multiple Baby Basics
Feeding
will consume a large chunk of each day. Multiples can be either
breast- or bottle-fed
successfully and each approach has passionate advocates.
Breastfeeding offers nutritional and immunological benefits and is
easier on the pocketbook. It works because the lactating breast
functions according to the laws of supply and demand. The more a
baby nurses, the more milk the mother's body produces.
It's possible to nurse two babies simultaneously, but it may
take some time to master. So if you choose to breastfeed, consider
talking with a lactation consultant, who can show you basic
positions to help you nurse your babies either two at a time or
singly. It may also be helpful to pump and store breast milk so
that your partner or other caregivers can help with the
feedings.
Bottle-feeding may take some of the pressure off exhausted
mothers, especially if you have more than two infants to feed. Some
mothers use a combination of breast- and bottle-feeding to keep
some of the benefits of nursing while still getting help with
feedings. Whatever way you choose to feed your babies, you may want
to track the feeding schedule on a bulletin board to make sure
every baby gets enough.
-
Bathing
multiple babies can be quite a challenge. Some parents bathe
their children separately in the interests of both safety and
one-on-one time. For higher-order multiples, though, this may be
impractical. Your best bet is to recruit some help during
bathtime. When the infants are older, it will become easier to
bathe more than one at a time.
-
Dressing
your babies in the first few months doesn't have to be a big
production. Some parents color-code wardrobes to see at a glance
whose clothes belong to whom. It may make sense to have multiples
share some basic items of clothing, such as sleepers. As the
babies get older, it becomes more important to give them their
own clothes and establish their unique identities.
-
Sleeping
is necessary for your sanity! Call on your helpers so you can get
an occasional nap. Even if you get your babies on a synchronized
sleep schedule, you'll only get a few hours of sleep at a
time. This will not give you the resources you need to care for
your babies.
Many parents alternate "night shift" feedings and take
turns napping. You might also consider waking and feeding all the
babies when one wakes up in the night. This helps you coordinate
your babies' schedule and minimize your wake-ups.
Try to sleep when your babies do. Though it can be difficult to
let go of the thousand other things you need to do, remember that
your well-being is crucial to your ability to take care of your
babies.
Parenting Issues With Multiples
It can be impossible to tell multiple babies apart when they
first come home, so don't feel guilty if you mix yours up at
first. Many parents leave the hospital bracelets on or get new
ones. Others paint each child's big toenail a different color
or color-code their clothes. As your babies mature and their
personalities develop, it will be easier to tell the difference
between them.
Parents often worry about making sure their multiples develop as
individuals. Here are some ways to support each child's
individuality:
- give them distinctly different names
- refer to them by name, rather than as "the twins"
or "the triplets"
- avoid dressing them alike as they get older
- keep their clothes in different drawers
- give them their own toys
- give them separate gifts and cakes on their birthday
- encourage them to pursue different interests and abilities as
they get older
- give them time apart
It may be difficult to avoid comparisons, especially when it
comes to important milestones such as walking, first words, or
potty training. If one child lags in a developmental area, consult
your doctor to determine the standard age range for that skill. But
if the delay isn't outside the typical limits, try not to
pressure the slower sibling. It's likely that your child is
very aware of the difference already.
As kids get older it's important that parents look at every
child's strengths and help them develop a sense of mastery.
Also, remember that some of these infants will have legitimate
developmental delays, which should not be overlooked.
If you have older kids in addition to the multiples, it's
important to attend to their needs and any difficulty they may
experiencing related to having such special siblings. It's not
uncommon for older siblings to feel envious of the attention that
the new babies receive and to act out as a result. If possible, try
to regularly set aside time to spend individually with older
siblings.
Don't forget that you need to be taken care of, too. Feeling
stressed and overwhelmed is completely normal. Be sure to find time
for sleep, to be alone, and to pursue your own interests.
Mothers of multiples are more likely than other mothers to
suffer from "baby blues" and
postpartum depression
. Baby blues may leave you feeling weepy, easily upset, or
excessively worried. These feelings may last for a couple of days,
but for some new mothers can go on for several weeks. In
postpartum depression, these symptoms are more severe and longer
lasting. A mother may feel despair, lose her ability to eat or
sleep, or have thoughts of harming herself or the babies. If you
experience any of these symptoms, seek a doctor's help
immediately.
Maintaining Your Relationship
Not surprisingly, the demands placed on parents of multiples
strain the best of relationships. With all your energy directed
toward your children, there's often little left over for each
other - yet this is just when you need each other most. Try to give
each other breaks when you can and to ask what your partner needs
each day. It can be very helpful to have an outlet for expressing
your feelings. Support groups for parents of multiples can help, as
can marriage counselors or clergy.
It's important that you do what you can to keep some couple
time. Because it's often hard to leave multiples with one
sitter, you might need to get creative. Some parents pack dinner,
then strap their babies in their car seats and drive around until
they sleep. Then they have a chance to dine al fresco in peace.
Other parents go out half as often as they normally would in order
to be able to afford two sitters when they do go out. Still others
choose to start their evening later, after the babies fall asleep,
so that one sitter is able to stay with the sleeping babies. Do
whatever you're most comfortable with, but remember that
spending time alone together is more a necessity than a luxury.
Special Multiples Behavior
Multiples may develop language more slowly than singletons. This
is may be due to prematurity, birth weight, or other factors. In
addition, twins and multiples may receive less individually
directed speech from parents. It's important for caretakers to
spend time speaking directly to each child, as well as reading to
them and encouraging language.
Social skills can come earlier for multiples, simply because
they've always been with siblings, but they may do less well in
other groups. Parents may encounter problems separating multiples,
so it's a good idea to occasionally separate them even at an
early age. Also try to introduce other people into the mix,
including other kids and adults. Still, multiples are built-in
playmates for one another, and from early on it's apparent that
their relationship is special.
Parenting multiples has its challenges, but the rewards are
twice (or more!) as great.
Reviewed by:
Mary L. Gavin, MD
Date reviewed: October 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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