Becoming a parent by blending families or marrying someone with
kids can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience. If you've
never had kids, you'll get the opportunity to share your life
with a younger person and help to shape his or her character. If
you have kids, you'll offer them more opportunities to build
relationships and establish a special bond that only siblings can
have.
In some cases, your new family members may get along without a
hitch (remember
The Brady Bunch
?), but other times you can expect difficulties along the way.
Figuring out your role as a parent - aside from the day-to-day
responsibilities that come with it - also may lead to confusion or
even conflict between you and your partner, your partner's
ex-wife or ex-husband, and their kids.
While there is no foolproof formula for creating
the"perfect" family (every family has its own dynamics),
it's important to approach this new situation with patience and
understanding for the feelings of those involved. Suggestions below
also may help to make things easier as you adapt to your new
role.
Start Slow
The initial role of a stepparent is that of another caring adult
in a child's life, similar to a loving family member or mentor.
You may desire a closer bond right away, and might wonder what
you're doing wrong if your new stepchild doesn't warm up to
you or your kids as quickly as you'd like - but relationships
need time to grow.
Start out slow and try not to rush into things. Let things
develop naturally - kids can tell when adults are being fake or
insincere. Over time, you can develop a deeper, more meaningful
relationship with your stepchildren, which doesn't necessarily
have to resemble the one they share with their birth parents.
Factors That Affect Your Relationship
Children who are mourning the loss of a deceased parent or the
separation or divorce of their birth parents may need time to heal
before they can fully accept you as a new parent.
For those whose birth parents are still alive, remarriage may
mean the end of hope that their parents will reunite. Even if it
has been several years since the separation, kids (even grown
ones!) often hang onto that hope for a long time. From a
child's perspective, this reality can make them feel angry,
hurt, and confused.
Other factors that may affect the transition into
stepparenting:
- How old the kids are.
When it comes to adjusting and forming new relationships, younger
kids generally have an easier time than older kids.
- How long you've known them.
Usually, the longer you know the kids, the better the
relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you were
friends with the parents before they separated and are blamed for
the break-up), but in most cases having a history together makes
the transition a little smoother.
- How long you dated the parent before marriage.
Again, there are exceptions but typically if you don't rush
into the relationship with the adult, kids have a good sense that
you are in this for the long haul.
- How well the parent you marry gets along with the
ex-spouse.
This is a critical factor. Minimal conflict and open
communication between ex-partners can make a big difference on
how easily kids accept you as their stepparent. It's much
easier for kids to transition to new living arrangements when
adults keep negative comments out of earshot.
- How much time the kids spend with you.
Trying to bond with kids every other weekend - when they want
quality time with a birth parent they don't see as often as
they'd like - can be a difficult way to make friends with
your new stepchildren. Remember to put their needs first: If kids
want time with their birth parent, they should get it. So
sometimes making yourself scarce can help smooth the path to a
better relationship in the long run.
Knowing ahead of time what situations may become problematic as
you bring new family members together can help you prepare so that,
if complications arise, you can handle them with an extra dose of
patience and grace.
Steps to Great Stepparenting
All parents face difficulties now and then. But when you're
a stepparent, those obstacles are compounded by the fact that you
are not the birth parent - this can open up power struggles within
the family, whether it's from the kids, your partner's
ex-spouse, or even your partner.
When times get tough, however, putting kids' needs first can
help you make good decisions. Here's how:
- Put needs, not wants, first.
Kids need love, affection and consistent rules above all else.
Giving them toys or treats, especially if they're not earned
with good grades or behavior, can lead to a situation where you
feel like you're trading gifts for love. Similarly, if you
feel guilty for treating your biological kids differently from
your stepchildren, don't buy gifts to make up for it. Do you
best to figure out how to treat them more equally.
- House rules matter.
Keep your house rules as consistent as possible for all kids,
whether they're your kids from a previous relationship, your
partner's kids from a previous relationship, or new children
you have had together. Children and teens will have different
rules, but they should be consistently applied at all times. This
helps kids adjust to transitions, like moving to a new house or
welcoming a new baby, and helps them feel that all kids in your
home are treated equally. If kids are dealing with two very
different sets of rules in each home, it may be time for an
adults-only family meeting - otherwise kids can learn to
"work the system" for short-term gain but long-term
problems.
- Create new family traditions.
Find special activities to do with your stepkids, but be sure to
get their feedback. Some new family traditions could include
board game nights, bike riding together, cooking, doing crafts,
or even playing quick word games in the car. The key is to have
fun together, not to try to win their love
-
kids are smart and will quickly figure out if you're trying
to force a relationship.
- Respect all parents.
When a partner's ex is deceased, it's important to be
sensitive to and honor that person. If you and your partner share
custody with the birth parent, try to be courteous and
compassionate in your interactions with each other (no matter how
hard that can be!). Never say negative things about the birth
parent in front of the kids. Doing so often backfires and kids
get angry with the parent making the remarks. No child likes to
hear their parents criticized, even if he or she is complaining
about them to you.
- Don't use kids as messengers or go-betweens.
Try not to question kids about what's happening in the other
household - they'll resent it when they feel that they're
being asked to "spy" on another parent. Wherever
possible, communicate directly with the other parent about
relevant matters, such as scheduling, visitation, health issues,
or school problems. Online custody calendars make this process a
little easier because parents can note visitation days and share
this information with each other via the Internet.
- Talk to your partner or spouse.
Communication between you and your partner is important so that
you can make parenting decisions together. This is especially
crucial if you each have different notions on parenting and
discipline. If you're new to parenting as a stepparent, ask
your partner what would be the best way to get to know the kids.
Use resources to find out what kids of different ages are
interested in - and don't forget to ask them.
No matter what the circumstances of your new family, chances are
there'll be some bumps along the way. But don't give up
trying to make things work - even if things started off a little
rocky, they still can (and probably will) improve as you and your
new family members get to know each other better.
Reviewed by:
Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: December 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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