Cutting - using a sharp object like a razorblade, knife, or
scissors to make marks, cuts, or scratches on one's own body -
is a form of self-injury.
It can be hard to understand why anyone would hurt himself or
herself on purpose. Learning that your own teen is doing it can
leave you feeling shocked and upset - and not sure what to do or
how to help.
About Cutting
For most,
cutting
is an attempt to interrupt strong emotions and pressures that seem
impossible to tolerate. It can be related to broader emotional
issues that need attention. Most of the time, cutting is not a
suicide attempt.
Cutting affects many teens and preteens - even beyond those who
self-injure. Many teens worry about a friend who cuts, or face
pressure from peers to try cutting as a daring thing to do.
In many cases, cutting - and the emotions that go along with it
- is something teens struggle with alone. But because of growing
awareness, more teens can get the assistance they need.
Parents can help teens who cut - and the earlier, the better.
Cutting can be habit-forming, and sadly, many people underestimate
the risks of getting seriously sick or hurt that go along with
it.
What Parents Can Do
If your teen is cutting, there ways to help. By coping with your
own feelings, learning about cutting, finding professional help,
and just being there to love and believe in your teen, you'll
provide the calm, steady support that he or she needs.
Accept your own emotions.
If you know or suspect that your teen is cutting, it's natural
to feel a whole range of emotions. You might feel shocked, angry,
sad, disappointed, confused, or scared. You might feel hurt that
your teen didn't come to you for help or feel guilty that you
didn't know about it. All these emotions are completely
understandable. But it's not your fault, and it's not your
teen's fault.
Take time to identify your own feelings and find a way to
express them. This might mean having a good cry, talking with a
friend, or going for a walk to let off steam or quietly reflect. If
you feel overwhelmed, talking with a therapist can help you sort
things through and gain some perspective so that you can provide
the support your teen needs.
Learn all you can about cutting.
Find out all you can about cutting, why teens do it, and what can
help them stop. Some teens cut because of peer pressure - and once
they start, they can't easily stop. Other teens feel pressure
to be perfect and struggle to accept failures or mistakes. And
still others contend with powerful moods like anger, sadness,
worthlessness, and despair that feel hard to control or too heavy
to bear. Cutting is sometimes the result of trauma and painful
experiences that no one knows about.
It can hurt to think that your child might experience any of
these feelings. As difficult as it is, try to keep in mind that
exploring what pressures prompt your teen to self-injure is a
necessary step toward healing.
Talk to your child.
It can be hard to talk about such a painful topic. You may not know
what you're going to say. That's OK. What you say won't
be nearly as important as how you say it. To open the conversation,
you might simply say that you know about the cutting, and then
convey your concern, love, and your willingness to help your child
stop.
It will probably be hard for your teen to talk about it, too. He
or she might feel embarrassed or ashamed, or worried about how
you'll react or about what the consequences might be. You can
help ease these worries by asking questions and listening to what
your teen has to say without reacting with punishment, scolding, or
lectures.
Let your teen know that cutting is often related to painful
experiences or intense pressures, and ask what difficult issues
your teen may be facing. Your teen might not know why he or
she cuts or be ready to tell you. Even if that's the case,
explain that you want to understand and find ways to help.
Don't be surprised if your teen resists your efforts to
talk about cutting.
He or she might deny cutting, get angry or upset, cry, yell, or
storm off. A teen might clam up or say that you just don't
understand. If something like this happens, try to stay calm and
patient. Don't give up - find another time to communicate and
try again.
Seek professional help.
It's important to seek assistance from a qualified
mental health professional
who can help you understand why your teen cuts, and also help your
teen heal old hurts and develop new coping skills.
Therapy can allow teens to tell their stories, put their
difficult experiences into words, and learn skills to deal with
stresses that are part of life. Therapy also can help identify any
underlying mental health condition that needs evaluation and
treatment. For many teens, cutting is a clue to
depression
or bipolar (mood) problems, unresolved grief, compulsive behaviors,
or struggles with perfectionism.
It's important to find a therapist your teen can feel open
and comfortable with. If you need help finding someone, your doctor
or a school counselor may be able to provide guidance.
Offer encouragement and support.
While your teen is getting professional help, stay involved in the
process as much as possible. Ask the therapist to guide you in how
to talk with and support your teen. And ask your teen how you can
best help.
For example, it may help to:
- Let your teen know you'll be there to talk to when
feelings are painful or troubles seem too hard to bear.
- Help your teen create a plan for what to do instead of
cutting when pressures get strong.
- Encourage your teen to talk about everyday experiences and
put feelings, needs, disappointments, successes, and opinions
into words.
- Be there to listen, comfort, and help your teen think of
solutions to problems and offer support when troubles arise.
- Spend time together doing something fun, relaxing, or just
hanging out. You might take a walk, go for a drive, share a
snack, or run some errands.
- Focus on positives. While it helps to talk about troubles,
avoid dwelling on them. Make sure what's good about life gets
airtime, too.
Set a good example.
Be aware that you can influence how your child responds to stress
and pressure by setting a good example. Notice how you manage your
own emotions, deal with everyday frustrations, stress, and
pressure. Notice whether you tend to be self-critical, quick to
anger, or put others down. Consider making changes in any patterns
you wouldn't want your teen to imitate.
Be patient, and be hopeful.
Finding out that your teen is cutting may be the beginning of a
long process. It can take time to stop cutting - and sometimes a
teen doesn't want to stop or isn't ready to make the
changes it involves.
To stop cutting takes motivation and determination. It also
takes self-awareness and practicing new skills to manage pressures
and emotional distress. These things can take time and often
require professional help.
As a parent, you may need to be patient. With the proper
guidance, love, and support, know that your teen can stop cutting
and learn healthy ways to cope.
Reviewer:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: July 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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