It seems like just yesterday that you had to coax your daughter
to bathe. But then she turned 11 and started spending hours in
the bathroom and sizing herself up in every mirror she passes. She
seems consumed by her looks. What happened? And is it healthy?
As they approach the teen years, it's common and natural for
kids to become more interested in appearances - their own and
others' - seemingly all of a sudden. Their bodies are going
through some big changes as they grow and go through puberty. As
preteens change physically they become more aware of how they
look.
Growing and puberty affect more than a preteen's outward
appearance - body image is affected, too. Having a healthy body
image means that most of your feelings, ideas, and opinions about
your body and appearance are positive. It means accepting and
appreciating your body and feeling mostly satisfied with your
appearance.
Developing a healthy body image happens over time. It can be
influenced by experiences and shaped by the opinions and feedback
of others and by cultural messages.
Body Image and Appearance
Body image can be especially vulnerable during the preteen years
because appearances change so much and cultural messages that fuel
dissatisfaction can be very strong. Being criticized or teased
about appearance can be particularly hurtful at this age.
Preteens and teens often compare their looks with others' or
with media images of the "right" way to look. In cultures
in which looks seem to matter so much - and ideal images are so
unrealistic - it's all too common to be dissatisfied with some
aspect of appearance.
But feeling too self-critical about appearance can interfere
with body image. And poor body image can hurt a teen's overall
self-image, too.
Beyond Appearances
As teens mature mentally and emotionally, they will develop a
more complex self-image - one that incorporates their interests,
talents, unique qualities, values, aspirations, and relationships.
But during the early teen years, the image they see in the mirror
makes up a big part of their self-image.
And while it's true that appearance isn't everything,
feeling satisfied with appearance means a lot. If you're
wondering why your child suddenly seems so focused on appearance,
keep in mind that preteens are:
-
Adapting to a new reflection.
Spending extra time grooming, making comparisons with friends and
celebrities, and experimenting with clothing, hair, and makeup
can be ways of getting to know and like the new self reflected in
the mirror.
-
Making a fashion statement.
When preteens and teens express their taste in clothes and
hairstyles, they're making statements about themselves.
Experimenting with and defining their styles is one way to
express their interests, personality, independence, and
identity.
-
Finding a way to belong.
Peers, groups, and cliques - which take center stage during the
teen years - can also play a role in heightening young teens'
concerns about appearances. Dressing a certain way might be a way
of feeling included, fitting in, standing out, or belonging to a
group of peers.
Boys and Body Image
It's not just girls who become focused on appearance. Boys
might not be as vocal about it, but they can worry just as much
about their looks. They may spend the same amount of time in front
of the mirror, weighing where to part their hair, what kind of
product to use, assessing acne, and deciding whether or not to
shave. And when your son emerges wearing pants that sag as if he
hasn't quite finished getting dressed, he may in fact have
spent hours getting them to hang at that exact angle.
Self-Critical Feelings
Feeling satisfied with appearance isn't always easy. Many
kids who have positive body images become self-conscious or
self-critical as they enter the teen years. It's not uncommon
for preteens and teens to express dissatisfaction about their
appearance or to compare themselves with their friends,
celebrities, or people they see in ads.
Our culture emphasizes the need to look just right. Ads for
everything from makeup and hair products to clothing and
toothpaste send messages that people need to look a certain way to
be happy. It's hard not to be influenced by that.
You might hear your son or daughter fret about anything from
height and hair to the shape of their nose or the size of their
ears - any aspect that doesn't match the "ideal.
Body shape and size can concern them, too. It's important
for preteens or teens to eat nutritious foods, limit junk foods,
and get plenty of physical activity, but it's not
advisable for them to diet. Being overly concerned about weight,
restricting food, or exercising excessively can be signs of an
eating disorder. Talk to your doctor if you notice any of these
signs in your kids.
Self-criticism that seems constant or excessive or causes daily
distress that lasts might signal an extreme body image problem
known as
body dysmorphic disorder
. This condition involves obsessions and compulsions about slight
or imagined imperfections in appearance.
A Natural Transition
In most cases, the focus on appearance is a very natural and
common part of becoming a teenager. Typically, these expressions of
frustration resolve quickly and don't warrant concern -
just plenty of patience, empathy, support, and perspective from
parents.
Still, parents can be frustrated when looks seem to matter so
much to kids. It can be a delicate balance to help preteens feel
confident and satisfied with their looks while encouraging them not
to be overly concerned with the superficial. It's
important to encourage teens to take pride in their appearance
but also to emphasize the deeper qualities that matter more.
Boosting Body Image
As preteens try on different looks, parents can help by being
accepting and supportive, providing positive messages, and
encouraging other qualities that keep looks in perspective. Be sure
to:
-
Accept and understand.
Recognize that being concerned about looks is as much a part of
the teen years as a changing voice and learning to shave.
You know that in the grand scheme of things your daughter's
freckles don't matter, but to her they might seem paramount.
As frustrating as it can be when they monopolize the
bathroom, avoid criticizing kids for being concerned about
appearances. As they grow, concern about their looks will stop
dominating their lives.
-
Give lots of compliments.
Provide lots of reassurance about kids' looks
and
about all their other important qualities. As much as they may
seem not to notice or care, simple statements like
"you've got the most beautiful smile" or "that
shirt looks great on you" really do matter. Compliment them
on other physical attributes, such as strength, speed, balance,
energy, or grace. Appreciating physical qualities and
capabilities helps build a healthy body image.
-
Compliment what's inside too.
Notice out loud all the personal qualities that you love about
your kids - how generous your son is to share with his little
sister, the determined way that your daughter studies for her
tests, or how your son stood by his best friend. Reassure them
when they express insecurity. When you hear "I hate my
hair" or "I'm so little," provide valuable
counterpoint.
-
Talk about what appearances mean.
Guide your kids to think a little more deeply about appearances
and how people express themselves. Talk about the messages that
certain styles might convey. One outfit may send the message
"I'm ready to party!" while others might say
"I'm heading to school" or "I'm too lazy
to do laundry."
-
Set reasonable boundaries.
Be patient, but also set boundaries on how much time your kids
can spend on grooming and dressing. Tell them it's
not OK to inconvenience others or let chores go. Limits help kids
understand how to manage time, be considerate of others'
needs, share resources, exercise a little self-discipline, and
keep appearances in perspective.
-
Be a good role model.
How you talk about your own looks sets a powerful example.
Constantly complaining about or fretting over your appearance
teaches kids to cast the same critical eye on themselves. Almost
everyone is dissatisfied with certain elements of their
appearance, but talk instead about what your body can
do
, not just how it looks. Instead of griping about how big your
legs are, talk about how they're strong enough to help you
hike up a mountain.
Having a healthy and positive body image means liking your body,
appreciating it, and being grateful for its qualities and
capabilities. When parents care for and appreciate their own
bodies, they teach their kids to do the same.
Reviewed by:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: January 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
© 1995-2009 The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth. All rights reserved.