It can be shocking and upsetting to learn that your child has
gotten in trouble for picking on others or been labeled a
bully.
As difficult as it may be to process this news, it's
important to deal with it right away. Whether the bullying is
physical or verbal, if it's not stopped it can lead to more
aggressive antisocial behavior and interfere with your child's
success in school and ability to form and sustain friendships.
Understanding Bullying Behavior
Kids bully for many reasons. Some bully because they feel
insecure. Picking on someone who seems emotionally or physically
weaker provides a feeling of being more important, popular, or in
control. In other cases, kids bully because they simply
don't know that it's unacceptable to pick on kids who are
different because of size, looks, race, or religion.
In some cases bullying is a part of an ongoing pattern of
defiant or aggressive behavior. These kids are likely to need help
learning to manage anger and hurt, frustration, or other strong
emotions. They may not have the skills they need to cooperate with
others. Professional counseling can often help them learn to deal
with their feelings, curb their bullying, and improve their social
skills.
Some kids who bully at school and in settings with their peers
are copying behavior that they see at home. Kids who are exposed to
aggressive and unkind interactions in the family often learn to
treat others the same way. And kids who are on the receiving end of
taunting learn that bullying can translate into control over
children they perceive as weak.
Helping Kids Stop Bullying
Let your child know that bullying is unacceptable and that there
will be serious consequences at home, school, and in the community
if it continues.
Try to understand the reasons behind your child's behavior.
In some cases, kids bully because they have trouble managing strong
emotions like anger, frustration, or insecurity. In other cases,
kids haven't learned cooperative ways to work out
conflicts and understand differences.
Be sure to:
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Take bullying seriously.
Make sure your kids understand that you will not tolerate
bullying at home or anywhere else. Establish rules about bullying
and stick to them. If you punish your child by taking away
privileges, be sure it's meaningful. For example, if your
child bullies other kids via email, text messages, or a social
networking site, dock phone or computer privileges for a period
of time. If your child acts aggressively at home, with siblings
or others, put a stop to it. Teach more appropriate (and
nonviolent) ways to react, like walking away.
-
Teach kids to treat others with respect and
kindness.
Teach your child that it is wrong to ridicule differences (i.e.,
race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic
status) and try to instill a sense of empathy for those who are
different. Consider getting involved together in a community
group where your child can interact with kids who are
different.
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Learn about your child's social life.
Look for insight into the factors that may be influencing
your child's behavior in the school environment (or wherever
the bullying is occurring). Talk with parents of your child's
friends and peers, teachers, guidance counselors, and the school
principal. Do other kids bully? What about your child's
friends? What kinds of pressures do the kids face at school? Talk
to your kids about those relationships and about the pressures to
fit in. Get them involved in activities outside of school so that
they meet and develop friendships with other kids.
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Encourage good behavior.
Positive reinforcement can be more powerful than negative
discipline. Catch your kids being good - and when they
handle situations in ways that are constructive or positive,
take notice and praise them for it.
-
Set a good example.
Think carefully about how you talk around your kids and how you
handle conflict and problems. If you behave aggressively - toward
or in front of your kids - chances are they'll follow your
example. Instead, point out positives in others, rather than
negatives. And when conflicts arise in your own life, be open
about the frustrations you have and how you cope with your
feelings.
Starting at Home
When looking for the influences on your child's
behavior, look first at what's happening at home. Kids who
live with yelling, name-calling, putdowns, harsh criticism, or
physical anger from a sibling or parent/caregiver may act that out
in other settings.
It's natural - and common - for kids to fight with their
siblings at home. And unless there's a risk of physical
violence it's wise not to get involved. But monitor the
name-calling and any physical altercations and be sure to talk to
each child regularly about what's acceptable and what's
not.
It's important to keep your own behavior in check too. Watch
how you talk to your kids, and how you react to your own strong
emotions when they're around. There will be situations that
warrant discipline and constructive criticism. But take care not to
let that slip into name-calling and accusations. If you're not
pleased with your child's behavior, stress that it's the
behavior that you'd like your child to change, and you have
confidence that he or she can do it.
If your family is going through a stressful life event that you
feel may have contributed to your child's behavior, reach out
for help from the resources at school and in your community.
Guidance counselors, pastors, therapists, and your doctor can
help.
Getting Help
To help a child stop bullying, talk
with teachers, guidance counselors, and other school officials
who can help you identify situations that lead to bullying and
provide assistance.
Your doctor also might be able to help. If your child has a
history of arguing, defiance, and trouble controlling anger,
consider an evaluation with a therapist or behavioral health
professional.
As difficult and frustrating as it can be to help kids stop
bullying, remember that bad behavior won't just stop on
its own. Think about the success and happiness you want your
kids to find in school, work, and relationships throughout
life, and know that curbing bullying now is progress toward
those goals.
Reviewed by:
Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: July 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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