To parents of infants and toddlers, their children's sexual
development may seem a long way off. But actually, sexual
development begins in a child's very first years. Infants,
toddlers, preschoolers, and even young school-aged kids develop an
emotional and physical foundation for sexuality in many subtle ways
as they grow.
Just as they reach important physical and emotional milestones,
like learning to walk or learning to recognize mom or dad, young
kids hit important milestones in how they recognize, experience,
and feel about their bodies, and how they form attachments to
others. The attachments established in these early years help set
the stage for bonding and intimacy down the line.
By understanding how your kids grow and learn, you can play an
important role in fostering their emotional and physical
health.
Infants and Toddlers
Babies' earliest emotional attachments are formed with their
parents through physical contact that expresses their love. Being
held and touched, kissed and hugged, snuggled and tickled allows
babies to experience comforting, positive physical sensations
associated with being loved. The unique type of physical intimacy
and emotional attachment between parent and infant can be the early
foundation of more mature forms of physical intimacy and love that
develop later as part of mature sexuality.
My body.
Many parents have called their doctors expressing concern because
their kids touch their genitals during diaper changes or their baby
boys have frequent erections. They're reassured that these
behaviors are perfectly normal and told that even the youngest
children naturally explore their bodies. And many kids, especially
toddlers, enjoy being naked. How you react - your voice, the words
you use, your facial expressions - is one of your child's first
lessons in sexuality. By not responding with anger, surprise, or
disapproving words, you teach your child that this curiosity about
his or her body is a normal part of life.
Gender awareness.
By age 2 or 3, a child starts to develop a sense of being a male or
female. This awareness is called
gender identity
. A child of this age starts to understand the difference between
boys and girls, and can identify himself or herself as one or the
other. Some people think gender identity is biologically determined
and some say it's a product of a child's environment. Most
likely, though, it's a combination of both.
And at this age kids begin to associate certain behaviors,
called
gender roles
, with being male or female. Gender roles are a product of our
culture. What is masculine? What is feminine? How do boys and men
behave? How do girls and women behave? As you decide what you want
to teach your kids about gender roles, be aware of the messages
they get both in and out of the home.
Preschool (Ages 3 to 5)
By preschool, most kids have developed a strong sense of being a
boy or girl, and continue to explore their bodies even more
purposefully. It's not a good idea to scold them when they
touch themselves - this will only prompt a sense of guilt and
shame. Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it
feels good, touching should be done in private - preschoolers are
old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be
public. They're also old enough to understand that no one - not
even family members or other people they trust - should ever touch
them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual
attitudes from you - from how you react to people of the opposite
sex to how you feel about nudity.
Endless questions.
As kids become curious about everything, it's common for
preschoolers to pose questions to their parents like "Where do
babies come from?" or "Why doesn't my sister have a
penis?"
When you get questions like these, try to answer as honestly and
matter-of-factly as possible. Answers like "The stork brought
you" not only dismiss a child's curiosity, but also make
you look less credible when your child actually finds out the truth
(and he or she may then be less likely to come to you with
questions in the future).
Find out exactly what your child wants to know and then answer
the specific question - there's no need to go into elaborate
detail when it might not be necessary. For example, you might say
that a man and woman can make a baby and that the baby grows inside
the woman's belly. If this satisfies your child, you might not
need to provide additional information about how the baby is
actually made until later.
Playing doctor.
At this stage, kids tend to be curious not only about their own
bodies, but about others' too. If you find your preschooler
playing doctor with another child around the same age, it's
important not to overreact - to them it's just an innocent game
(of course, if an older child or adult is involved, your concern
would be legitimate). Calmly ask your child to get dressed and
distract him or her with a toy or game. You may want to take this
as a clue that your child is curious about the body, and facilitate
learning about it in some other way, like a children's book on
the subject that's geared to preschoolers.
Preschool "boyfriends" and
"girlfriends."
Some parents of preschoolers are alarmed when they hear their kids
talk about a boyfriend or girlfriend. If your youngster says this,
remember that kids don't attach the same meanings to the word
that adults do. Most experts agree that it's best to react to
this kind of news in a neutral way - don't encourage the
behavior, but don't express concern either.
Elementary School (Ages 6 to 10)
Kids this age are especially interested in pregnancy, birth, and
gender roles - boys usually play with boys, and girls with girls.
This is also the age where their peers and the media begin to have
a bigger influence on sexual attitudes. If you aren't a
reliable resource, your child may turn to a peer or perhaps an
older child for information about sex, sexual organs, and
reproduction - and chances are slim that the facts will be correct
and that the words learned will meet your approval!
If your school-age child isn't asking you about sex,
consider initiating some appropriate conversations. If you've
previously said that a man and woman make a baby, now your child
might want to know how. As always, be honest - kids of this age
will jump to their own conclusions when they're missing
information. It's not uncommon for kids in elementary school to
assume that babies are made when a man and woman lie next to each
other, sleep in the same bed, hold hands, kiss, or swim
together.
Issues that parents of elementary school-age kids might face
include:
Bad language.
Children will pick up bad language and inappropriate slang from
lots of places - TV, movies, their friends, and especially you, if
you use it. Many times, they use these words without even knowing
what they mean. It's a good idea to calmly explain why the word
is inappropriate and suggest better words to use next time.
Inappropriate jokes.
You'll often find kids this age giggling over "dirty"
jokes about sex, body parts, sexual orientation, etc., but do they
really understand them? And do they realize that some of those
jokes can hurt people? As with bad language, kids often tell these
jokes without understanding them. It's important to be a good
role model for your child - don't tell inappropriate jokes,
especially ones that disparage a particular group of people.
Tolerance and respect are learned behaviors. Calmly explain why the
joke is inappropriate, then tell a more kid-friendly one as an
example of an appropriate joke that will still get some laughs.
Birds do it, bees do it . . . but why?
Kids sometimes see their pets or other animals engaged in sexual
behaviors. Some react with surprise, disgust, or embarrassment, but
most are curious even if a bit giggly. After a class trip to the
zoo, the hot topic of conversation for a group of 9-year-olds is
often the funny-looking mating behavior they witnessed between a
pair of the zoo's creatures. When kids ask about what these
animals are doing, this is another opportunity to convey the
message that sexuality is a natural part of life. Encourage natural
curiosity, provide accurate information, and model an attitude of
respect about reproduction.
As Kids Grow
As kids continue to understand and experience their bodies, and
the physical changes of puberty emerge, your attitude and
acceptance will continue to play an important role in their healthy
development.
As kids mature sexually, they're often both excited and
scared about growing up - especially when they notice hair growing
in new places, get their periods, or start having wet dreams. They
spend a lot of time
wondering if they're "normal"
and comparing themselves with their friends. Kids - especially
early and late bloomers - need lots of reassurance as they head
into this uncharted territory.
Puberty can be a very confusing time, with lots of physical and
emotional changes, and kids need to know what to expect in the
months and years ahead, even if they're too shy to ask.
By being open to your young child's questions about bodies,
babies, love, and sex, you set the stage for continued
conversations and openness when puberty begins. Welcoming the
questions about your child's changing body and sexual issues -
and not treating them as dirty or embarrassing subjects - will help
foster a healthy sense of self-acceptance in your child. It also
makes it more likely your child will use you as a resource for
information and guidance.
Gathering
written materials
, like pamphlets or books, might help you find effective ways to
provide the facts about sex, sexual health, and the physical
changes your child may be going through.
Reviewed by:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: January 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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