For most kids, pets are more than just animals their families
own - pets are considered members of the family and the best of
friends.
Unfortunately, the joy of owning a pet goes hand-in-hand with
the heartbreak of losing one. Whether it's because of old age,
illness, or an accident, the pet your child loves will die at some
point.
And that can be very difficult. After all, family pets often are
the first to greet kids in the morning and after school. Your pet
may be the one your child looks to for comfort and companionship
when ill or feeling unpopular or upset.
While it's impossible to shelter kids from the loss of a
pet, you can help them cope with the experience. And because a
pet's death might be their first time losing a loved one, the
process of learning how to deal with it can help kids learn how to
cope with other losses throughout life.
Sharing the News and the Grief
One of the most difficult parts about losing a pet may be
breaking the bad news to your child. Try to do so one-on-one in a
place where your child feels safe and comfortable and isn't
easily distracted.
As you would with any tough issue, try to gauge how much
information your child needs to hear based on his or her age,
maturity level, life experience, and the questions that your child
asks.
If your pet is very old or has a lingering illness, consider
talking to your child before death actually occurs. If you have to
euthanize your pet, you may want to explain that:
- the veterinarians have done everything that they can
- your pet would never get better
- this is the kindest way to take the pet's pain away
- the pet will die peacefully, without feeling hurt or
scared
Again, your child's age, maturity level, and questions will
help determine whether you might want to offer a clear and simple
explanation for what's going to happen. If so, it's OK to
use words like "death" and "dying" or to say
something like "The veterinarian will give our pet a shot that
first puts it to sleep and then stops the heart from beating."
Many kids want a chance to say goodbye beforehand, and some may be
old enough or emotionally mature enough to be there to comfort the
pet during the process.
If you do have to euthanize your pet, be careful about telling
your child that the animal went "to sleep" or "got put to
sleep." Young kids tend to interpret events literally, so this
can conjure up scary misconceptions about sleep or surgery and
anesthesia.
If the pet's death is more sudden, calmly explain what has
happened. Be brief, and let your child's questions guide how
much information you provide.
Sticking to the Truth
Avoid trying to gloss over the event with a lie. Telling a child
that "Buster ran away" or "Max went on a trip"
is not a good idea. It probably won't alleviate the sadness
about losing the pet, and if the truth does come out, your child
will probably be angry that you lied.
If asked what happens to the pet after it dies, draw on your own
understanding of death, including, if relevant, the viewpoint of
your faith. And since none of us knows fully, an honest "I
don't know" certainly can be an appropriate answer -
it's OK to tell kids that death is a mystery.
Helping Your Child Cope
Like anyone dealing with a loss, kids usually feel a variety of
emotions besides sadness after the death of a pet. They might
experience loneliness, anger if the pet was euthanized, frustration
that the pet couldn't get better, or guilt about times that
they were mean to or didn't care for the pet as promised.
Help kids understand that it's natural to feel all of those
emotions, that it's OK to not want to talk about them at first,
and that you're there when they are ready to talk.
Don't feel compelled to hide your own sadness about losing a
pet. Showing how you feel and talking about it openly sets an
example for kids. You show that it's OK to feel sad when you
lose a loved one, to talk about your feelings, and to cry when you
feel sad. And it's comforting to kids to know that they're
not alone in feeling sad. Share stories about the pets you had -
and lost - when you were young and how difficult it was to say
goodbye.
Moving On
After the shock of the news has faded, it's important to
help your child heal and move on.
It can help kids to find special ways to remember a pet. You
might have a ceremony to bury your pet or just share memories of
fun times you had together. Write a prayer together or offer
thoughts on what the pet meant to each family member. Share stories
of your pet's funny moments or escapades. Offer lots of loving
hugs. You could do a project, too, like making a scrapbook.
Keep in mind that grieving over the loss of a pet, particularly
for a child, is similar to grieving over a person. For kids, losing
a pet who offered love and companionship can be much more difficult
than losing a distant relative. You might have to explain that to
friends, family members, or others who don't own pets or
don't understand that.
Perhaps most important, talk about your pet, often and with
love. Let your child know that while the pain will eventually go
away, the happy memories of the pet will always remain. When the
time is right, you might consider adopting a new pet - not as a
replacement, but as a way to welcome another animal friend into
your family.
Reviewed by:
Jennifer Schroff Pendley, PhD
Date reviewed: August 2006
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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