Compared with what adults face, it might seem like kids
don't have that much to stress about. But kids have their own
concerns - and sometimes feel stress, just as adults do. And
kids' stresses can be just as overwhelming, particularly if
they don't have effective coping strategies.
A KidsHealth® KidsPoll explored what kids stress about the most,
how they cope with these feelings, and what they want their parents
to do about it.
The poll showed that kids are dealing with their stresses in
both healthy and unhealthy ways, and while they may not say so,
they do want their parents to reach out and help them cope with
their feelings.
The poll underscored how important it is for parents to teach
kids to recognize and express their emotions, and to use healthy
ways to cope with the stress they experience. By guiding them to
healthy coping skills, parents can help prepare kids to tackle
whatever stresses they meet throughout their lives.
Results of the Poll
We asked kids to tell us what things cause them the most stress.
Kids said that they were stressed out the most by: grades, school,
and homework (36%); family (32%); and friends, peers, gossip, and
teasing (21%).
These are the coping strategies kids said they use the most
(they could give more than one response):
- 52% play or do something active
- 44% listen to music
- 42% watch TV or play a video game
- 30% talk to a friend
- 29% try not to think about it
- 28% try to work things out
- 26% eat something
- 23% lose their temper
- 22% talk to a parent
- 11% cry
About 25% of the kids we surveyed said that when they are upset,
they take it out on themselves, either by banging their heads
against something, hitting or biting themselves, or doing something
else to hurt themselves. These kids also were more likely to have
other unhealthy coping strategies, such as eating, losing their
tempers, and keeping problems to themselves.
The idea that kids would do things to try to harm themselves may
be shocking to parents. But for some kids, feelings of stress,
frustration, helplessness, hurt, or anger can be overwhelming. And
without a way to express or release the feelings, a kid may feel
like a volcano ready to erupt - or at least let off steam.
Sometimes, kids blame themselves when things go wrong. They
might feel ashamed, embarrassed, or angry at themselves for the
role they played in the situation. Hurting themselves may be a way
to express the stress and blame themselves at the same time.
The poll also revealed important news for parents. Though
talking to parents ranked eighth on the list of most popular coping
methods, 75% of the kids surveyed said they want and need their
parents' help in times of trouble. When they're stressed,
they'd like their parents to talk with them, help them solve
the problem, try to cheer them up, or just spend time together.
What Parents Can Do
You may not be able to prevent your kids from feeling
frustrated, sad, or angry, but you can provide the tools they need
to cope with these emotions.
Notice out loud.
Tell kids when you notice something they might be feeling ("It
seems like you might still feel mad about what happened at the
playground"). This shouldn't sound like an accusation (as
in: "OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about
that?") or make a child feel put on the spot. It's just a
casual observation that you're interested in hearing more about
your child's concern.
Listen to your kids.
Ask them to tell you what's wrong. Listen attentively and
calmly - with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any
urge to judge, blame, lecture, or tell your kids what they should
have done instead. The idea is to let a child's concerns (and
feelings) be heard. Encourage your child to tell the whole story by
asking questions. Take your time, and let a child take his or her
time, too.
Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was
experiencing as you listen.
For example, you might say something like: "That must have
been upsetting" or "No wonder you felt mad when they
wouldn't let you in the game." Doing so shows that you
understand what your child felt, why he or she felt that way, and
that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps kids feel
connected to you, and that is especially important in times of
stress.
Put a label on it.
Many kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child
seems angry or frustrated, use those feeling words to help your
child learn to identify the emotions by name. That will help put
feelings into words so they can be expressed and communicated more
easily, which helps kids develop emotional awareness - the ability
to recognize their own emotional states. Kids who can recognize and
identify emotions are less likely to reach the behavioral boiling
point where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors
rather than communicated with words.
Help kids think of things to do.
Suggest activities kids can do to feel better now and to solve the
problem at hand. Encourage them to think of a couple of ideas. You
can get the brainstorm started if necessary, but don't do all
the work. A child's active participation will build confidence.
Support good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask, "How do you
think this will work?" Sometimes talking and listening and
feeling understood is all that's needed to help kids'
frustrations melt away. Other times change the subject and move on
to something more positive and relaxing. Don't give the problem
more attention than it deserves.
Just be there.
Sometimes kids don't feel like talking about what's
bothering them. Try to respect that, give them space, and still
make it clear that you'll be there when they do feel like
talking. Even when kids don't feel like talking, they usually
don't want parents to leave them alone. You can help them feel
better just by being there - to keep your child company and spend
time together. So if you notice your child seems to be down in the
dumps, stressed, or having a bad day - but doesn't feel like
talking - initiate something you can do together. Take a walk,
watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake some cookies. Isn't it
nice to know that your presence really counts?
Be patient.
It hurts to see your kids unhappy or worried. But try to resist the
urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on helping them grow into
good problem-solvers - kids who know how to roll with life's
ups and downs, put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and
bounce back to try again. Remember that you can't fix
everything, and that you won't be there to solve each problem
as your child goes through life. But by learning healthy coping
strategies, kids can manage stresses in the future.
About the Poll
The national KidsPoll surveyed 875 9- to 13-year-old boys and
girls regarding how they coped with stress. The KidsPoll is a
collaboration of the Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth, the Department
of Health Education and Recreation at Southern Illinois University
- Carbondale, the National Association of Health Education Centers
(NAHEC), and participating health education centers throughout the
United States. Those centers include:
- Robert Crown Center for Health Education - Hinsdale,
Illinois
- HealthWorks! Kids Museum - South Bend, Indiana
- Health World Children's Museum - Barrington,
Illinois
- Ruth Lilly Health Education Center - Indianapolis,
Indiana
- Susan P. Byrnes Health Education Center - York,
Pennsylvania
- Poe Center for Health Education - Raleigh, North
Carolina
Reviewed by:
Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: August 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
© 1995-2009 The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth. All rights reserved.