Raising kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in
the world - and the one for which you may feel the least
prepared.
Here are nine child-rearing tips that can help you feel more
fulfilled as a parent - and enjoy your kids more, too.
Nurture Your Child's Self-Esteem
Kids start developing their sense of self as babies when they
see themselves through their parents' eyes. Your tone of voice,
your body language, and your every expression are absorbed by your
kids. Your words and actions as a parent affect their developing
self-esteem
more than anything else. Praising accomplishments, however small,
will make them feel proud; letting kids do things independently
will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling
comments or comparing a child unfavorably with another will make
kids feel worthless.
Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons.
Comments like "What a stupid thing to do!" or "You
act more like a baby than your little brother!" cause damage
just as physical blows do. Choose your words carefully and be
compassionate. Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and
that you still love them, even when you don't love their
behavior.
Catch Kids Being Good
Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react
negatively to your kids in a given day? You may find that yourself
criticizing far more often than complimenting. How would you feel
about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even
if it was well-intentioned?
The more effective approach is to catch kids doing something
right: "You made your bed without being asked - that's
terrific!" or "I was watching you play with your sister
and you were very patient." These statements will do more to
encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated
scoldings.
Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be
generous with rewards - your love, hugs, and compliments can work
wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find you are
"growing" more of the behavior you would like to see.
Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your Discipline
Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of
discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors and learn
self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but
they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.
Establishing house rules helps kids understand your expectations
and develop self-control. Some rules might include: no
TV
until
homework
is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing
allowed.
You might want to have a system in place: one warning, followed
by consequences such as a "time out" or loss of
privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow
through with the consequences. You can't discipline kids for
talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent
teaches what you expect.
Make Time for Your Kids
It's often difficult for parents and kids to get together
for a family meal, let alone spend quality time together. But there
is probably nothing kids would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier
in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child, or leave
the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Kids who
aren't getting the attention they want from their parents often
act out or misbehave because they're sure to be noticed that
way.
Many parents find it rewarding to schedule together time with
their kids. Create a "special night" each week to be
together and let your kids help decide how to spend your time. Look
for other ways to connect - put a note or something special in your
kid's lunchbox.
Adolescents seem to need less undivided attention from their
parents than younger children. Because there are fewer windows of
opportunity for parents and teens to get together, parents should
do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire
to talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts,
games, and other events with your teen communicates caring and lets
you get to know more about your child and his or her friends in
important ways.
Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent. It is the
many little things you do - making popcorn, playing cards, window
shopping - that kids will remember.
Be a Good Role Model
Young kids learn a lot about how to act by watching their
parents. The younger they are, the more cues they take from you.
Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think
about this: is that how you want your child to behave when angry?
Be constantly aware that you're being observed by your kids.
Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model
for aggression at home.
Model the traits you wish to cultivate in your kids: respect,
friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish
behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward.
Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your kids
the way you expect other people to treat you.
Make Communication a Priority
You can't expect kids to do everything simply because you,
as a parent, "say so." They want and deserve explanations
as much as adults do. If we don't take time to explain, kids
will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they
have any basis. Parents who reason with their kids allow them to
understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way.
Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe
it, express your feelings, and invite your child to work on a
solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make
suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your child's
suggestions as well. Negotiate. Kids who participate in decisions
are more motivated to carry them out.
Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust Your Parenting Style
If you frequently feel "let down" by your child's
behavior, it may be because you have unrealistic expectations.
Parents who think in "shoulds" (for example, "My kid
should
be potty-trained by now") may find it helpful to read up on
the matter or to talk to other parents or child development
specialists.
Kids' environments have an impact on their behavior, so you
may be able to modify that behavior by changing the environment. If
you find yourself constantly saying "no" to your
2-year-old, look for ways to restructure your surroundings so that
fewer things are off-limits. This will cause less frustration for
both of you.
As your child changes, you'll gradually have to change your
parenting style. Chances are, what works with your child now
won't work as well in a year or two.
Teenagers tend to look less to their parents and more to their
peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance,
encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen
to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make
a connection!
Show That Your Love Is Unconditional
As a parent, you're responsible for correcting and guiding
your kids. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all
the difference in how a child receives it. When you have to
confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding,
which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead,
strive to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining your kids.
Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next
time, your love is there no matter what.
Be Aware of Your Own Needs and Limitations as a Parent
Face it - you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and
weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities - "I
am loving and dedicated." Vow to work on your weaknesses -
"I need to be more consistent with discipline." Try to
have realistic expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your
kids. You don't have to have all the answers - be forgiving of
yourself.
And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas
that need the most attention rather than trying to address
everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. Take
time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a
person (or as a couple).
Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply
means you care about your own well-being, which is another
important value to model for your children.
Reviewed by:
Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: November 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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