About Sibling Rivalry
"Dad, she's in my room getting into my things
again!"
"Mom, he won't stop annoying me!"
"Me first! Me first! Me first!"
Sound familiar? If you have more than one child, the answer is
probably "yes," because these are the sounds of sibling
rivalry or sibling conflict.
While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends
with their siblings, it's very common for brothers and sisters
to fight. (It's also common for them to swing back and forth
between adoring and detesting one other!)
Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is
born, and continues as the kids grow and compete for everything
from toys to attention. As kids reach different stages of
development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they
relate to one another.
It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch - and hear - your
kids fight with one another. A household that's full of
conflict is stressful for everyone. Yet often it's hard to know
how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should get
involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your
household and help your kids get along.
Why Do My Kids Fight?
Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers
and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, and
this can flare into squabbles and bickering. But other factors also
might influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting
gets. These include:
-
Evolving needs.
It's natural for kids' changing needs, anxieties, and
identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example,
toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and belongings,
and are learning to assert their will, which they'll do at
every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the
toddler's toy, the older child may react aggressively.
School-age kids often have a strong concept of fairness and
equality, so might not understand why siblings of other ages are
treated differently or feel like one child gets preferential
treatment. Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense
of individuality and independence, and might resent helping with
household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings, or
even having to spend time together. All of these differences can
influence the way kids fight with one another.
-
Individual temperaments.
Your kids' individual temperaments - including mood,
disposition, and adaptability - and their unique personalities
play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one
child is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often
get into it. Similarly, a child who is especially clingy and
drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by
siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.
-
Special needs/sick kids.
Sometimes, a child's special needs due to illness or
learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other
kids may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention
or out of fear of what's happening to the other child.
-
Role models.
The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a
strong example for kids. So if you and your spouse work through
conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not
aggressive, you increase the chances that your children will
adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another.
If your kids see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly
argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those
bad habits themselves.
What Can I Do When the Fighting Starts?
While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight,
it's certainly not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a
family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict. So what
should you do when the fighting starts?
Whenever possible,
don't
get involved.
Step in only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you
always intervene, you risk creating other problems. The kids may
start expecting your help and wait for you to come to the rescue
rather than learning to work out the problems on their own.
There's also the risk that you - inadvertently - make it appear
to one child that another is always being "protected,"
which could foster even more resentment. By the same token, rescued
kids may feel that they can get away with more because they're
always being "saved" by a parent.
If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling,
it's appropriate to "coach" kids through what
they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different
from intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.
Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If
you do step in, try to resolve problems
with
your kids, not for them.
When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:
- Separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best
just to give them space for a little while and not immediately
rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can escalate again. If
you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the
emotions have died down.
- Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is
to blame. It takes two to fight - anyone who is involved is
partly responsible.
- Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that
each child gains something. When they both want the same toy,
perhaps there's a game they could play together instead.
Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important
skills that will serve them for life - like how to value another
person's perspective, how to compromise and negotiate, and how
to control aggressive impulses.
Helping Kids Get Along
Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting
include:
- Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids that
there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door
slamming. Solicit their input on the rules - as well as the
consequences when they break them. This teaches kids that
they're responsible for their own actions, regardless of the
situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts
to negotiate regarding who was "right" or
"wrong."
- Don't let kids make you think that everything always has
to be "fair" and "equal" - sometimes one kid
needs more than the other.
- Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention
directed to their interests and needs. For example, if one likes
to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park. If another child
likes to sit and read, make time for that too.
- Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own
thing - to play with toys by themselves, to play with friends
without a sibling tagging along, or to enjoy activities without
having to share 50-50.
- Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something
that comes with limits.
- Let them know that they are safe, important, and needed, and
that their needs will be met.
- Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a
movie, throwing a ball, or playing a board game, you're
establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend time together
and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between
them and also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is
something many kids fight over, fun family activities can help
reduce conflict.
- If your children frequently squabble over the same things
(such as video games or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule
showing which child "owns" that item at what times
during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the
"prize" away altogether.)
- If fights between your school-age children are frequent, hold
weekly family meetings in which you repeat the rules about
fighting and review past successes in reducing conflicts.
Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward
a fun family-oriented activity when they work together to stop
battling.
- Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and
the family dynamics. Try arranging separate play dates or
activities for each kid occasionally. And when one child is on a
play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.
Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's
attention. In that case, consider taking a time-out of your own.
When you leave, the incentive for fighting is gone. Also, when your
own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over to the
other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.
Getting Professional Help
In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers
and sisters is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or
particularly affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In those
cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional.
Seek help for sibling conflict if it:
- is so severe that it's leading to marital problems
- creates a real danger of physical harm to any family
member
- is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of
any family member
- may be related to another psychiatric disorder, such as
depression
If you have questions about your kids' fighting, talk with
your doctor, who can help you determine whether your family might
benefit from professional help and refer you to local mental health
resources.
Reviewed by:
Dan Harkness, PhD, LMFT, and Jennifer Shroff Pendley, PhD
Date reviewed: August 2006
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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