Your toddler's second temper tantrum of the day shows no
signs of stopping, and supersonic, ear-shattering, teeth-jarring
screams pierce the air. You'd run away and join the circus if
only that were a real option. There must be a better way.
During the kicking-and-screaming chaos of the moment, tantrums
can be downright frustrating. But instead of looking at them as
catastrophes, treat tantrums as opportunities for education.
Why Kids Have Tantrums
Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming,
kicking, hitting, and breath holding. They're equally common in
boys and girls and usually occur between the ages of 1 to 3.
Kids' temperaments vary dramatically - so some kids may
experience regular tantrums, whereas others have them rarely.
They're a normal part of development and don't have to be
seen as something negative. Unlike adults, kids don't have the
same inhibitions or control.
Imagine how it feels when you're determined to program your
DVD player and aren't able to do it, no matter how hard you
try, because you can't understand how. It's pretty
frustrating - do you swear, throw the manual, walk away, and slam
the door on your way out? That's the adult version of a
tantrum. Toddlers are also trying to master their world and when
they aren't able to accomplish a task, they turn to one of the
only tools at their disposal for venting frustration - a
tantrum.
Several basic causes of tantrums are familiar to parents
everywhere: The child is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or
uncomfortable. In addition, tantrums are often the result of
kids' frustration with the world - they can't get something
(for example, an object or a parent) to do what they want.
Frustration is an unavoidable part of their lives as they learn how
people, objects, and their own bodies work.
Tantrums are common during the second year of life, a time when
children are acquiring language. Toddlers generally understand more
than they can express. Imagine not being able to communicate your
needs to someone - a frustrating experience that may precipitate a
tantrum. As language skills improve, tantrums tend to decrease.
Another task toddlers are faced with is an increasing need for
autonomy. Toddlers want a sense of independence and
control
over the environment - more than they may be capable of handling.
This creates the perfect condition for power struggles as a child
thinks "I can do it myself" or "I want it, give it
to me." When kids discover that they can't do it and
can't have everything they want, the stage is set for a
tantrum.
Avoiding Tantrums
The best way to deal with temper tantrums is to avoid them in
the first place, whenever possible. Here are some strategies that
may help:
- Make sure your child isn't acting up simply because he or
she isn't getting enough attention. To a child, negative
attention (a parent's response to a tantrum) is better than
no attention at all. Try to establish a habit of catching your
child being good ("time in"), which means rewarding
your little one with attention for positive behavior.
- Try to give toddlers some control over little things. This
may fulfill the need for independence and ward off tantrums.
Offer minor choices such as "Do you want orange juice or
apple juice?" or "Do you want to brush your teeth
before or after taking a bath?" This way, you aren't
asking "Do you want to brush your teeth now?" - which
inevitably will be answered "no."
- Keep off-limits objects out of sight and out of reach to make
struggles less likely to develop over them. Obviously, this
isn't always possible, especially outside of the home where
the environment can't be controlled.
- Distract your child. Take advantage of your little one's
short attention span by offering a replacement for the coveted
object or beginning a new activity to replace the frustrating or
forbidden one. Or simply change the environment. Take your
toddler outside or inside or move to a different room.
- Set the stage for success when kids are playing or trying to
master a new task. Offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also,
start with something simple before moving on to more challenging
tasks.
- Consider the request carefully when your child wants
something. Is it outrageous? Maybe it isn't. Choose your
battles; accommodate when you can.
- Know your child's limits. If you know your toddler is
tired, it's not the best time to go grocery shopping or try
to squeeze in one more errand.
If a safety issue is involved and a toddler repeats the
forbidden behavior after being told to stop, use a time-out or hold
the child firmly for several minutes. Be consistent. Kids must
understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.
Tantrum Tactics
The most important thing to keep in mind when you're faced
with a child in the throes of a tantrum, no matter what the cause,
is simple and crucial: Keep cool. Don't complicate the problem
with your own frustration. Kids can sense when parents are becoming
frustrated. This can just make their frustration worse, and you may
have a more exaggerated tantrum on your hands. Instead, take deep
breaths and try to think clearly.
Your child relies on you to be the example.
Hitting and spanking
don't help; physical tactics send the message that using force
and physical punishment is OK. Instead, have enough self-control
for both of you.
First, try to understand what's going on. Tantrums should be
handled differently depending on the cause. Try to understand where
your child is coming from. For example, if your little one has just
had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort.
It's a different situation when the tantrum stems from a
child's being refused something. Toddlers have fairly
rudimentary reasoning skills, so you aren't likely to get far
with explanations. Ignoring the outburst is one way to handle it -
if the tantrum poses no threat to your child or others. Continue
your activities, paying no attention to your child but remaining
within sight. Don't leave your little one alone, though,
otherwise he or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other
uncontrollable emotions.
Kids who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a
tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down. This
also applies to tantrums in public places.
Older kids are more likely to use tantrums to get their way if
they've learned that this behavior works. Once kids are school
age, it's appropriate to send them to their rooms to cool off.
Rather than setting a specific time limit, parents can tell them to
stay in the room until they've has regained control. The former
option is empowering - kids can affect the outcome by their own
actions, thereby gaining a sense of control that was lost during
the tantrum.
After the Storm
Occasionally a child will have a hard time stopping a tantrum.
In these cases, it might help to say to say, "I'll help
you settle down now."
But do
not
reward your child after a tantrum by giving in. This will only
prove to your little one that the tantrum was effective. Instead,
verbally praise a child for regaining control.
Also, kids may be especially vulnerable after a tantrum when
they know they've been less than adorable. Now is the time for
a hug and reassurance that your child is loved, no matter what.
When to Call the Doctor
You should consult your doctor if:
- You have questions about what you're doing or what your
child is doing.
- You're uncomfortable with your responses.
- You keep giving in.
- The tantrums arouse a lot of bad feelings.
- The tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or
duration.
- Your child frequently hurts himself or herself or
others.
- Your child is destructive.
- Your child displays mood disorders such as negativity, low
self-esteem
, or extreme dependence.
Your doctor can also check for any physical problems that may be
contributing to the tantrums, although this is not common. These
include hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language
delays, or a learning disability.
Remember, tantrums usually aren't cause for concern and
generally diminish on their own. As kids mature developmentally and
their grasp of themselves and the world increases, their
frustration levels decrease. Less frustration and more control mean
fewer tantrums - and happier parents.
Reviewed by:
D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: November 2008