You've lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums,
and the back-to-school blues. So why is the word
"teenager" causing you so much anxiety?
When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense
growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually,
it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and
upheaval for many families.
Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they
are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep
interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a
period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are
also a time to help kids grow into the distinct individuals they
will become.
Understanding the Teen Years
So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send
your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers,
late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In
other words, there's a wide range of what's considered
normal.
But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial)
distinction between
puberty
and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of
adult sexual characteristics: breasts,
menstrual periods
, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible
signs of impending adulthood, but kids who are showing physical
changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) can also be going
through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the
outside. These are the changes of adolescence.
Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic
change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to
separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the
same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others,
especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit
in.
Kids often start "trying on" different looks and
identities, and they become acutely aware of how they differ from
their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict
with parents.
Butting Heads
One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious,
wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be
the case for some kids and this
is
a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is
not
representative of most teens.
But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve
independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from
their parents - especially the parent whom they're the closest
to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different
opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their
parents in the same way they used to.
As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and
rationally. They're forming their moral code. And parents of
teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform
to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves - and their
opinions - strongly and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen
to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I
a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?,"
and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ
from my own?"
Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years
Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here
are some tips:
Educate Yourself
Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years.
Remember your struggles with
acne
or your embarrassment at developing early - or late. Expect some
mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for
more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Parents who
know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you
know, the better you can prepare.
Talk to Your Child Early Enough
Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've
already started means you're too late. Answer the early
questions kids have about bodies, such as the differences
between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't
overload them with information - just answer their questions.
You know your kids. You can hear when your child's starting
to tell jokes about
sex
or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a
good time to jump in with your own questions such as:
- Are you noticing any changes in your body?
- Are you having any strange feelings?
- Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?
A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things.
A doctor can tell your preadolescent - and you - what to expect in
the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a
good parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this
discussion, the more likely your child will be to form
misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical
and emotional changes.
Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication,
the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen
years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going
through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's
nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a
child more at ease.
Put Yourself in Your Child's Place
Practice empathy by helping your child understand that it's
normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's
OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.
Pick Your Battles
If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails
black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens
want to shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them
do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things
that really matter, like
tobacco
,
drugs
and
alcohol
.
Maintain Your Expectations
Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their parents
place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know
that their parents care enough about them to expect certain things
such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the
rules of the house. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens
will likely try to meet them.
Inform Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself
The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and
sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't
avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use;
discussing these things openly with kids
before
they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll
act responsibly when the time comes.
Know your child's friends - and know their friends'
parents. Regular communication between parents can go a long way
toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group.
Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities
without making the kids feel that they're being watched.
Know the Warning Signs
A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years,
but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior
may signal real trouble - the kind that needs professional help.
Watch for one or more of these warning signs:
- extreme weight gain or loss
- sleep problems
- rapid, drastic changes in personality
- sudden change in friends
- skipping school continually
- falling grades
- talk or even jokes about
suicide
- signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
- run-ins with the law
Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6
weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a
glitch or two in your teen's behavior or grades during this
time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and
your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly
withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or
psychiatrist can help you find proper counseling.
Respect Kids' Privacy
Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this
one. They may feel that anything their kids do is their
business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll
need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble,
then you can invade your child's privacy until you get to the
heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back
off.
In other words, your teenager's room and phone calls should
be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all
thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety
reasons, you should always know where teens are going, what
they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know
every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited
along!
Monitor What Kids See and Read
TV
shows, magazines and books, the
Internet
- kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours
watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of
time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what
they're learning from the media and who they may be
communicating with online.
Make Appropriate Rules
Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was
when your child was a baby. Reward your teen for being trustworthy.
Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew? Move it to 10:30 PM. And
does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Decide what
your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing
child doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You
probably felt the same way about
your
mom and dad.
Will This Ever Be Over?
As kids progress through the teen years, you'll notice a
slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually,
they'll become independent, responsible, communicative
young adults. So remember the motto of many parents with teens:
We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it
- together!
Reviewed by:
Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: December 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
© 1995-2009 The Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth. All rights reserved.