Bonding is the intense attachment that develops between parents
and their baby. It makes parents want to shower their baby with
love and affection and to protect and nourish their little one.
Bonding gets parents up in the middle of the night to
feed
their hungry baby and makes them attentive to the baby's wide
range of
cries
.
Scientists are still learning a lot about bonding. They know
that the strong ties between parents and their child provide the
baby's first model for intimate relationships and foster a
sense of security and positive self-esteem. And parents'
responsiveness to an infant's signals can affect the
child's social and cognitive development.
Why Is Bonding Important?
Bonding is essential for a baby. Studies of newborn monkeys who
were given mannequin mothers at birth showed that, even when the
mannequins were made of soft material and provided formula to the
baby monkeys, the babies were better socialized when they had live
mothers to interact with. The baby monkeys with mannequin mothers
were more likely to suffer from despair, as well as
failure to thrive
. Scientists suspect that lack of bonding in human babies can cause
similar problems.
Most infants are ready to bond immediately. Parents, on the
other hand, may have a mixture of feelings about it. Some parents
feel an intense attachment within the first minutes or days after
their baby's birth. For others - especially if the baby is
adopted or has been placed in intensive care - it may take a bit
longer.
But bonding is a process, not something that takes place within
minutes and not something that has to be limited to happening
within a certain time period after birth. For many parents, bonding
is a byproduct of everyday caregiving. You may not even know
it's happening until you observe your baby's first smile
and suddenly realize that you're filled with love and joy.
The Ways Babies Bond
When you're a new parent, it often takes a while to
understand your newborn's true capabilities and all the ways
you can interact:
- Touch becomes an early language as babies respond to
skin-to-skin contact. It's soothing for both you and your
baby while promoting your baby's healthy
growth
and development.
- Eye-to-eye contact provides meaningful communication at close
range.
- Babies can follow moving objects with their eyes.
- Your baby tries - early on - to imitate your facial
expressions and gestures.
- Babies prefer human voices and enjoy vocalizing in their
first efforts at communication. Babies often enjoy just listening
to your conversations, as well as your descriptions of their
activities and environments.
Making an Attachment
Bonding with your baby is probably one of the most pleasurable
aspects of infant care. You can begin by cradling your baby and
gently stroking him or her in different patterns. If you and your
partner both hold and touch your infant frequently, your little one
will soon come to know the difference between your touches. Each of
you should also take the opportunity to be "skin to skin"
with your newborn by holding him or her against your own skin when
feeding or cradling.
Babies, especially
premature babies
and those with
medical problems
, may respond to infant massage. Because babies aren't as
strong as adults, you'll need to massage your baby gently.
Before trying out infant massage, be sure to educate yourself on
proper techniques by checking out the many books, videos, and
websites on the subject. You can also contact your local hospital
to find out if there are classes in infant massage in your
area.
Bonding also often occurs naturally almost immediately for a
breastfeeding or bottle-feeding mother. Infants respond to the
smell and touch of their mothers, as well as the responsiveness of
the parents to their needs. In an uncomplicated birth, caregivers
try to take advantage of the infant's alert period immediately
after birth and encourage feeding and holding of the baby. However,
this isn't always possible and, though ideal, immediate
contact isn't necessary for the future bonding of the
child and parent.
Adoptive parents may be concerned about bonding with their baby.
Although it might happen sooner for some than others, adopted
babies and their parents have the opportunity to bond just as well
as biological parents and their children.
Bonding With Daddy
Men these days spend more time with their infants than dads of
past generations did. Although dads frequently yearn for closer
contact with their babies, bonding frequently occurs on a different
timetable, partially because they don't have the early contact
of breastfeeding that many moms have.
But dads should realize, early on, that bonding with their child
isn't a matter of being another mom. In many cases, dads share
special activities with their infants. And
both parents
benefit greatly when they can support and encourage one
another.
Early bonding activities that both mom and dad can experience
together include:
- participating together in labor and delivery
- feeding (
breast or bottle
); sometimes dad forms a special bond with baby when handling a
middle-of-the-night feeding and diaper change
-
reading or singing
to baby
- sharing a
bath
with baby
- mirroring baby's movements
- mimicking baby's cooing and other vocalizations - the
first efforts at
communication
- using a front baby carrier during routine activities
- letting baby feel the different textures of dad's
face
Building a Support System
Of course, it's easier to bond with your baby if the people
around you are supportive and help you develop confidence in your
parenting abilities. That's one reason experts recommend having
your baby stay in your room at the hospital. While taking care of a
baby is overwhelming at first, you can benefit from the emotional
support provided by the staff and start becoming more confident in
your abilities as a parent. Although rooming-in often is not
possible for parents of premature babies or babies with special
needs, the support from the hospital staff can make bonding with
the infant easier.
At first, caring for a newborn can take nearly all of your
attention and energy - especially for a breastfeeding mom. Bonding
will be much easier if you aren't exhausted by all of the other
things going on at home, such as housework, meals, and laundry.
It's helpful if dads can give an extra boost with these
everyday chores, as well as offer plenty of general emotional
support.
And it's OK to ask family members and friends for help in
the days - even weeks - after you bring your baby home. But because
having others around during such a transitional period can be
uncomfortable, overwhelming, or stressful, you might want to ask
people to drop off meals, walk the dog, or watch any of the new
baby's siblings outside the home.
Factors That May Affect Bonding
Bonding may be delayed for various reasons. Parents-to-be may
form a picture of their baby having certain physical and emotional
traits. When, at birth or after an adoption, you meet your baby,
reality might make you adjust your mental picture. Because a
baby's face is the primary tool of communication, it plays a
critical role in bonding and attachment.
Hormones can also significantly affect bonding. While
nursing a baby in the first hours of life can help with
bonding, it also causes the outpouring of many different hormones
in mothers. Sometimes mothers have difficulty bonding with their
babies if their hormones are raging or they have
postpartum depression
. Bonding can also be delayed if a mom's exhausted and in pain
following a prolonged, difficult delivery.
If your baby spends some time in
intensive care
, you may initially be put off by the amount and complexity of
equipment. But bonding with your baby is still important. The
hospital staff can help you hold and handle your baby through
openings in the isolette (a special nursery bassinet) and will
encourage you to spend time watching, touching, and talking with
your baby. Soon, your baby will recognize you and respond to your
voice and touch.
Nurses will help you learn to bathe and feed your baby. If
you're using breast milk you've pumped, the staff,
including a lactation consultant, can help you make the
transition to breastfeeding before your baby goes home. Some
intensive care units also offer rooming-in before you take your
baby home to ease the transition.
Is There a Problem?
If you don't feel that you're bonding by the time you
take your baby to the first office visit with your child's
doctor, discuss your concerns at that appointment. It may be a sign
of postpartum depression. Or bonding can be delayed if your baby
has had significant, unexpected health issues. It may just be
because you feel exhausted and overwhelmed by your child's
arrival.
In any event, the sooner a problem is identified, the better.
Health care providers are accustomed to dealing with these issues
and can help you be better prepared to form a bond with your
child.
Also, it often helps to share your feelings about bonding with
other new parents. Ask your childbirth educator about parenting
classes for parents of newborns.
Bonding is a complex, personal experience that takes time.
There's no magic formula and it can't be forced. A baby
whose basic needs are being met won't suffer if the bond
isn't strong at first. As you become more comfortable with your
baby and your new routine becomes more predictable, both you and
your partner will likely feel more confident about all of the
amazing aspects of raising your little one.
Reviewed by:
Larissa Hirsch, MD
Date reviewed: February 2008
Originally reviewed by:
Wayne Ho, MD
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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