Expectant parents spend months preparing for the arrival of
their baby. By the time they bring their little one home,
they've taken classes, read a library's worth of books, and
bought enough onesies to fill an entire dresser. But even with all
the preparation, the reality of caring for a baby can be
overwhelming.
When your household grows from two to three, your relationship
with your partner is bound to change. Here are some ways
to get a handle on what to expect when you have your baby.
And Baby Makes Three
Before, you were a couple. Now, you're parents. How will
your day-to-day life change? To start with the obvious, you
probably won't get enough sleep in the early months of your
baby's life. At first, your newborn may only
sleep
for a few hours at a time, and when your tiny bundle is up,
you're up. The resulting sleep deprivation can make you
irritable and turn tasks like household chores and errands into
ordeals because you have less energy and can't concentrate.
You'll also have less time for work, for yourself, and for your
partner.
Being a new parent is wonderful, but at times it can be really
difficult and stressful, too. This can generate feelings of guilt
for a mom or dad who isn't enjoying every second of
being a new parent. But it's important to remember that
it's OK to want - and to take - a break from the baby every
once in a while.
A baby can also stir up surprising feelings of jealousy.
Sometimes new dads get jealous because the baby takes up so much of
mom's time. Dad may feel like a third wheel, or maybe he's
jealous that he doesn't get to spend as much time with the baby
or do as much of the parenting. These feelings are completely
normal when the structure of a family changes so drastically.
Moms have their
own challenges
to confront. Pregnancy temporarily robs them of the bodies
they're used to; a couple of extra pounds and dark circles
under the eyes from late-night
feedings
can make a woman feel self-conscious and less attractive to her
partner. Some moms also find it difficult to reconcile the image of
a mother with that of a sexual woman, so they may be less
interested in intimacy.
The changes brought by a baby reach beyond your immediate family
as well. Suddenly, relatives and even acquaintances have endless
stories and advice about child rearing. Family members may drop by
unexpectedly or schedule regular visits to see your baby. Just when
you have more to do than you think you can handle, all these extra
people decide to stick around for dinner. Although you know they
just want the best for the baby, their constant presence can make
you feel even less in control of your own life and household.
Even without all the outside parenting advice, you and your
partner may realize you have different approaches to parenting -
one of you might be more inclined to pick up the baby whenever he
or she cries while the other lets your little one cry for a while,
for instance. And trouble spots in a relationship, such as who does
more work around the house, can get worse if new parents don't
sit down and talk about what's bothering them.
The Need for Communication and Understanding
Communication is the best tool to defuse anger and prevent
arguments. Parents can get so caught up in caring for the baby that
they forget to take time to talk to each other. Small annoyances
grow when you don't get them out in the open, so it's
important to make time to communicate.
Often, all it takes to clear up a misunderstanding is to see
things from the other person's point of view. For example, a
new father may think that because he's at work all day, it
makes sense for the mother to take care of the baby most of the
time, even when he's home. But she may view the same situation
as the father distancing himself from her and the baby just when
she needs him most.
If something is bothering you, tell your partner, but make sure
you do it at the right time. Starting a discussion about who left
the dirty dishes in the sink when the baby is screaming to be fed
will solve nothing. Instead, plan a time to sit down together after
the baby is asleep. Be honest with each other, but try to maintain
a sense of humor. Listen to your partner's concerns and
don't criticize them. And keep in mind that sleep deprivation
and stress can make you feel more irritable, so it may take extra
effort to curb any tendency to be snappy.
Once you've both said what's on your mind, work on
solving the issues together by coming up with solutions you both
can accept. Be willing to compromise, too. If one person can't
get home early on Wednesdays because of a staff meeting, the other
can get the baby ready for bed on those nights. In exchange, the
partner who gets home late on Wednesdays can take over on
Thursdays.
This is also the time to "assign" baby care and
household duties, like cooking, laundry, and early-morning
feedings. When both partners know what's expected of them, the
household will run more smoothly.
Handling Conflicts
When disagreements arise, make time to discuss them. If that
approach simply won't work - and you both need to clear the air
right away - try to keep the argument focused on the issue
that's bothering you. Tell your partner clearly why you're
upset. If you're vague or make your partner guess, you probably
won't resolve anything.
Steer clear of generalizations like, "You're always
late." They tend to make people defensive. Instead, try:
"When you came home late yesterday, dinner was cold. I
would've appreciated it if you'd called me to say you were
running late." This puts the emphasis on the action, not the
person, so your criticism feels less like a personal attack.
It's also unfair to use the argument as an excuse to bring
up past wrongs. If you're talking about coming home late for
dinner, don't revisit the time your partner forgot to buy milk
or took a 45-minute shower while you did all the dishes. You'll
find that listening to each other and trying to understand the
other person's perspective are the best ways to make progress
toward solving a problem.
If you happen to argue in front of an older baby or toddler,
make sure he or she sees you make up, too. That way, your child
learns that fights don't mean that people no longer love each
other - this is an important part of your child's own
impression of conflict resolution.
Finding Time Together
Even though your baby has made you a family of three, the two of
you still need time together as a couple to keep that relationship
strong. Because your lives are busier now, the best way to find
that time is to plan for it. Try to make a regular weekly
"date" - schedule a sitter and head out to dinner or a
movie. If you don't want to leave the baby with a sitter just
yet, make a special dinner at home after you put the baby to
bed.
Staying up after the baby is sleeping can also give you time to
connect daily. Strive for at least 20 minutes a day to talk and
share feelings; you can do this while you wash the dishes together
or as you get ready for bed. On the weekends, get out of the house
and do something as a family, like visiting a museum or a park.
Even daily family walks when you get home from work let you grab a
little time together while your baby enjoys a ride in the
stroller.
The most important thing is to use your creativity to find a way
to spend time together that works for you, whether that means
meeting for lunch while a willing grandparent watches the baby or
playing a game of cards before bed.
Tips for New Parents
As you enter this new stage of life as a family, staying focused
on what really matters will help you through the rough spots,
especially in the first few months. It may bother you that you
didn't have time to make the bed, but overall, that's not
too important. The more flexible you can be about what gets done
when, the more relaxed and in control you'll feel.
To keep you both on track with the chores that have to be
accomplished, make a list of each partner's duties and post it
on the refrigerator. For those tasks that are more draining, like
nighttime feedings, take turns whenever you can. If you both help
out, then one of you won't wind up feeling resentful because
you have to do all the work.
Be sure to notice what's going right, too. Praise yourself
and your partner for managing yet another round of feedings,
diaper changes
, and
baby entertaining
. All new parents need to hear about what they're doing
well.
And try to be aware of each other's emotions and needs. If
your partner has had a particularly stressful day, offer to take
the baby so your partner can soak in the tub, watch a favorite TV
show, or read a book for half an hour. Above all, enjoy the time
with your new arrival - your little one will grow up faster than
you realize.
Reviewed by:
Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: April 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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